A friend of mine reminded me of myself today. What he said was how complicated this program was for him. Boy, that was a blast from the past. I can remember how I said the same thing to my sponsor so many years ago.
I know where he’s coming from. I remember how there was all this stuff being thrown at me and it confused the hell out of me. There were the steps, there was the BB, there were the spiritual principles, there was all this God stuff, there were the meetings, there were all these people. Nothing was simple and everything looked so heavy and complicated. I was overwhelmed.
Simple? Nothing was simple! It was enough that I wasn’t drinking. And all this stuff kept getting thrown at me. You know what was simple? Taking a drink. All I had to do was step up to the bar and take a drink. Now that was simple.
That was how I felt unitl my sponsor stopped me and pointed out to me that what I didn’t understand I tended to hate. I had this way of thinking that complicated the hell out of everything. He told me that I could screw up a ball bearing or a one car funeral. Then he pointed out that I had done this all my life. He understood where I was coming from, because he had done the same thing himself.
I had come in looking for the softer and easier way out of my alcoholism. I thought that all I had to do was stop drinking and it was all over. The minute I discovered that I was going to have to do something to earn my sobriety I balked. I was all for instant gratification. It was all I knew. Here I was, looking for someone to do for me, what I had to do for myself. An instant cure.
Then, he reminded me of the truth. I was at death’s door, when I came in. I was made sick by what I was doing and was suffering from alcohoic insanity. I could pick up the spiritual tools laid out for me or I could walk out the door back into that crazy life I had just left. He said that I hadn’t really surrendered yet. I had only genuflected and not really knelt down.
That’s the moment he asked me to what lengths was I willing to go to stay sober? This wasn’t rocket science he said. All I had to do was to follow directions. Had I had enough and was I willing to do what was required of me? And the best thing, the simplest of things, was that it was just for today.
Just thinking about this took me back to the beginning of my journey and made me grateful.