At the meeting today I kept thinking about “honesty”. I couldn’t help but think of that since we were talking about the First Step to a new person. I didn’t hear much about honesty, but I know that the old timers and the men, who started this program, knew that it was desperately needed, if any of us were going to get sober and stay sober.
I know from what I heard from my sponsor, what I read in the 12&12 about the First Step, that honesty was desperately needed. The reason for all this is that when we were out there drinking, we kept our inner selves covered up. We continued to put on a show that there was nothing wrong, even when we were headed toward insanity and death.
On the inside I know I was filled with despair. I was sitting at that bar drinking one drink after another. But there was a horror show going on inside of me. I knew I couldn’t stop drinking on my own. I had tried and tried and failed again and again. Like the 12&12 said, I was filled with pain. Totally desperate to say the least. So, I decided to commit suicide. And that’s when an old drinking friend gave me hope.
Part of the key, I discovered later, to getting sober was hope. That hope led me to say a desperate prayer to God, as I understood him. I was TOTALLY willing to give up alcohol. I needed God’s help. I asked for him to remove it and I would be willing to do whatever he asked of me. I fell asleep and woke up the next morning and alcohol was gone and has never come back.
Then I had to do the next right thing. And that was to become willing to share this inner pain and surrender to others. I have found that there are a lot of alcoholics, who come to this program and cannot get that far. They say they’re willing to stop drinking and that’s it. Tough to become open and honest with others like ourselves. But it is so important. Because the minute we become willing our lives begin to change.
Anyway I had been reading about this and knew exactly what it meant. I had been through this a long time ago and am so grateful for all I have been given. Getting honest and open. Amazing.
I just wanted to stop and think of why I am here. I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. That too is amazing to this alcoholic. Makes me real grateful for all I have been given. Thanks.