This past few weeks I have been thinking about something, which has been a problem for alcoholics, not only when they were drinking, but also coming into this program to get sober. And what is that? Control.
A good friend of mine always talks about this very fact and how it almost destroyed him, when he was drinking, but it did the same for almost three years in here. Eventually it became clear, with the help of his sponsor that he was never in control. None of us are. Yet that’s what so often, not only gets in our way in here, but just as often takes us back out to a drink again.
The desire to appear “strong”, when we walk through these doors, stops many from being able to get honest and admit their inner problems. Despair for one. Self pity and feeling sorry for oneself. Some want to hope they will appear to others as in charge of their sobriety. They couldn’t stop drinking on their own, but they want to appear that they did. And it’s their dishonesty which crushes them and they drink again.
I know how it was for me. I mean I was fortunate. I had no idea what alcoholism was and even this program. All I knew was that no matter how much I tried I could not stop drinking. The more I drank day after day, the deeper despair became within me. Everything within me was dark. Pitch black. I saw what I had become to my family, my wife and my children, my employers, and the people I worked with. Even my friends, most of whom had pulled back from me. And I was going to end my life rather than go on drinking.
Fortunately for me a friend of mine, who drank with me, a man I worked with, came and gave me hope. He told me that he had heard that there was a place where men and women met and stayed sober together, and, if I wanted to go there, he would take me. That message made a light go on within the black space within me. I went home and prayed, as I had never prayed before. I surrendered to my being powerless and asked for help. I got it, because the next day the alcohol was gone and has really never come back.
I came into these rooms an obvious drunk. All I wanted was never to ever drink again. If someone in here wanted to know what drove me to this program, I would tell them. And, after reading the Doctor’s Opinion in the BB, I finally knew what was wrong with me and it made me grateful. And I was on my way to beginning to live a sober life.
Now, back to control. Is that me? And the answer is “yes”. I never knew that until I had been in the program long enough to begin to understand honesty and defects. Especially my over sized ego, which I never was aware of until I came through these doors. And then I learned that from my old sponsor and those old timers in here. They were given to the process of ego deflation in depth. I have always been grateful that they never hesitated to puncture that gigantic balloon, my ego, and get me back into reality.
Anyway, I had to stop and think about this. I may be neutered, as far as alcohol is concerned physically. What I understand is the restoration to sanity, the spiritual awakening. However, my faults, my defects, the mental and emotional and spiritual side of my humanity, is still around. I am human, not a saint, and I will have these problems back again from time to time. However the spiritual program in here is what I need to deal with all of this. It’s up to me to be willing and to try to live this way of life. But I can still find myself getting tripped up.
All of this is a reminder to me of why I am here. I am here to stay sober a day at a time. And I need help to do this, each and everyday.