We were talking about the Fourth Step today. It as a reminder to me, once again, of how it worked for me. I know that I was filled with guilt and remorse. I knew I couldn’t wait much longer, after I came in. And I know I did my Fourth three months in this program.
I remember sitting up most of the night, writing non stop. And when I finished, I went to bed, and then got up the next morning and called an old timer. Before he could object I read this Step to him. He handled it well and thanked me for what I had done.
However I knew I needed more than just someone listening. I at least needed feedback. So the next day I went up to a nearby monastery and went to a monk I knew was in this program. I went through the Step the best I could and he responded and helped me to think differently and I began to be relieved. Made me grateful.
I guess what I was thinking about was how often I found myself being imperfect in working these Twelve Steps. Not the First, of course. Like the BB tells us, this is the only one we can work one hundred percent. I never doubted that, because I surrendered whole hearted. I gave up and asked for the God of my understanding’s help. And I got it.
However over time in here I have found myself often going back and working on some things in all the rest of these Steps. I always go back and think about how in the Fifth chapter in the BB I read that I was human, not a saint, and I would be working things imperfectly. I found out how right this has been in my life in here.
I’ve had to often go back and try to put things right. Over and over again. I know how often I have found myself tripping over my defects and faults. And I know this will be going on in my whole life in here. Human was right. Not a great spiritual way of life. Like it said, human.
Anyway I know how often I stop and think about this. I have learned, like my sponsor told me, that when I find myself tripping and falling, to pick myself up and dust myself off and keep on keeping on. Need to remember that always.
All of this is a reminder to me of exactly why I’m here. I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. That’s why I needed to remember what it is I need to do, when I find myself being tripped up by my faults. I need to ask for help from my Higher Power and often from those like myself in here. Once again it’s also a reminder to me of how grateful I need to be for all the help I have received in here. I need to say thanks to my Higher Power and those who have helped me to continue to grow in this program.