One of the things I always have to remember was what it was like out there, when I was drinking. At least toward the end of my drinking. And what it was that got me to surrender and stop drinking. On top of that I need to remember what those early days in here were like also.
Why I want to remember those early days is because I need to remember what I was like, when I came in. That’s because I never want to forget what it was that helped me to change enough to start doing this program. And that’s because, when I came in, I was, in my mind and those around me, bad. I had a self centered idea that I could stay sober by myself, even in the program. I thought I knew what I was doing. And the truth was that I didn’t have an idea. All I knew was that I never wanted to drink again, but I didn’t want to do it the way the program works.
And, of course, the wake up call came when my first sponsor, who had ten years, went back out, drank on a resentment, and got drunk and died. And, along about the same time, another ten year man, got drunk on resentments and he too died, as a result. That got my attention.
At the same time I got my first dose of ego deflation in depth. What Dr. Harry Tiebout, the psychiatrist, who was helping AA in the early days believed alcoholics needed. That was because he knew from experiences what huge egos alcoholics had. If we were to stay sober we had to have them punctured and then to become aware of just how dangerous these over sized egos were to our sobriety.
I was told to shut up in a meeting. That I didn’t know what I was talking about. I knew how to drink, but I didn’t know a thing about staying sober. I needed to take the cotton out of my ears, stick it in my mouth, and begin to listen. That was the beginning of my sponsor and old timers cutting me down to size. Back then this tough approach worked for alcoholics like me. It was, again, a wake up call for drunks like myself. I know it worked for me and others like myself, who never wanted to drink ever again.
I look back at all of this stuff from time to time and know that it gets my attention. Often, when practicing the Fifth Tradition, I will let some of this stuff out, with the hope it might reach someone and help them to begin to surrender and change. And the Twelfth Step, outside meetings.
I mention all of this because it helps me to remember why I am here. A reminder to this alcoholic that I need to practice staying sober a day at a time. And, of course, all of this is a reminder to me of how grateful I need to be for all that has been given to me, which has helped me to stay sober. I’m aware of the hope, the faith, and the love which was freely given to me and which I hope I can freely give to those who need it. Part of my effort to express my being grateful to my Higher Power and all those, who have helped me to stay sober a day at a time.