Today was one of those “perfect” meeting days. It was about fear and the First Step. I don’t think there was anyone in the room, who could not identify with these subjects. And it was no mistake when they talked about how much fear came in the beginning with separation from alcohol in that First Step.
For myself I know that I was not dealing with fear, when I prayed and asked for the help of the God of my understanding. I had just ended the despair, which had me choosing to commit suicide. Despair had driven me to end my life. I knew nothing about alcoholism, and I had never heard of AA back then. Yet someone had heard that day about the program and told me that men and women met and stayed sober. That gave me the hope I needed and I surrendered. Even though I hadn’t heard about the program and the Steps. I had done that First Step, one hundred percent. I turned alcohol over to my Higher Power, even though I knew nothing about the Second Step. The result was that I was set free from alcohol and it has never really returned.
In five days I was at my first meeting and I was beginning to feel fear. It was the absence of alcohol, which had numbed me against fear for the most part. Now I was open to my negative emotions. And fear was the largest. And that wild fear turned into anger and resentments. Talk about insanity. This was it.
Paranoia was present from the start. When I began to meet those old timers, I would see them smiling and talking off in the distance, and I felt they were talking about me and laughing at me. That caused me fear and that fear went into deep negative emotions. I wasn’t yet prepared to turn to prayer and ask for the help I needed. That was to come after time in here, when I was introduced to the Second Step.
I learned that this was a day at a time disease treatment. As opposed to thinking I could turn alcohol aside for the rest of my life. Lack of sense and honesty had this stuff in my brain. Thank my Higher Power for providing me with an old timer for my sponsor. Someone who knew about this program. He began to open the door for what I so desperately needed. He introduced me to the 4th chapter in the BB and the Second Step. And that began the changes I so desperately needed. I became willing to live this program a day at a time. Not forever. Just for now, and it was a miracle.
I thought about these subjects the rest of the day. It was the perfect wake up call for an alcoholic like me. And probably so many others there. I mean the day at a time time frame I had learned in here. That’s all I can do to stay sober. I really can only stay sober this day. Tomorrow is not here yet. It’s right now. The minute I start thinking about plans ahead of this day, it usually will bring up those negative emotions. Fear, anger, self pity, and a whole lot more. That will get me to stumble over my old defects. And, if I don’t ask for help, I could end up going out and drinking again. And I’ve seen that over time and the number of deaths as a result.
Anyway I am grateful for this reminder. It makes me open my heart and mind and give thanks for all I have been given in here by my Higher Power, those old timers, and the many I have met in here, all who have so freely given their help to me to stay sober. Thanks.