One of those difficult circumstances for this alcoholic is self restraint. We were talking today about the Serenity Prayer and how it applies to egomaniacs like an alcoholic.
I was once again reminded of the Tenth Step. The spiritual axiom, that whenever I’m disturbed there’s something wrong with me. My business is mine. Everyone else is not my business. That’s difficult, when I want to blame everyone else for what’s wrong with me. Took me a long time to learn that in here. I could find myself feeling sorry for me and angry at others. I had to stop and learn the truth. Not easy for a liar.
One of the hardest messages came, when I was introduced back into my defects. I had to learn that I might think I’m a spiritual person, but I had to learn that I’m not a saint. I’m an alcoholic. A human being. I learned that from time to time I was going to stumble over myself. My mind wandering off and me tripping over my defects. I had to learn how to respond. How to pray and pick myself up and dust myself off. To learn to go from the negative to the positive. Negative emotions, which can drag me down into the pits within me. I had to learn how to change.
Once again I had to learn how to put my intellect over my emotions. Not easy. Thanks to those old timers, my old sponsor and others like him, who knew how this program works. And that’s exactly where self restraint comes in. I need that to defend myself from the worst effects in here. And it is a reminder to me of why I am here. I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. I can only deal with this day and nothing else. And like the Tenth Step in the 12&12, I’m told I need achieve self restraint as a habit so that I can live a better life.
Yet, like I was told, time takes time. It’s not an overnight event. I had to go through a lot of problems in order to learn how to change. To be able to bring the spiritual way of life into my life. To learn how to depend on my Higher Power. To eventually be restored to sanity and have that spiritual awakening I so desperately needed. All this came in stages over time. A very long time for this alcoholic. But I am grateful for what I have been given. I know I will never be free from stumbling over my defects. But they’re never as bad as they were, I discovered.
Anyway I am grateful that I have been given the gifts I have received in here. My life has changed as a result of learning how to put this program into action in my life. The result of the grace I have been given by my Higher Power, and all those in here, who have helped me to learn how to live a sober life. I need to say thank you.