One of the things which hit me tonight was the peril AA seems to go through from time to time. And that is the beginning to seem to be losing unity. The individuals, whose enormous egos seem to be driving them to think they know better and can run the program in their way. Not in ours.
I went back and reread the First Tradition. It faces the fact that we’re still individuals, as alcoholics. However it also points out, that we can think and do things our way, but there comes a time, when we must back off and think of the good of the whole. After all the program of AA has helped us to not only stop drinking and stay sober, but to help us to change from the kind of people we were out there. We can grow along spiritual lines, be restored to sanity. have a spiritual awakening, and become a much better person than we were.
We have to learn to put our own desires aside for the good of the whole. What it is that holds this program together and helps us all to stay sober, and us being able to help others like ourselves to become sober and live healthier and better lives. To help us not only continue to do what has worked for us, but to care for and reach out to help others like us.
I know, like so many of us, who came in and were filled with all kinds of thoughts and ideas we wanted to push into this program and the people in it, I had to stop and listen to those old timers, and to not only try to practice this program, but to actually wake up become part of this great program. To stop and become honest, to accumulate reason and humility, and stop trying to be the “leader” we think others want me to be. To step back and become part of the program and not the program itself.
That’s why we all need to have sponsors in this program, who have time and experience, who can help to guide us. I always look back at my old sponsor and how he woke me up and got me to grow in a reasonable way. Something I was not able to do on my own. I was still immature, insecure, and over sensitive. I felt I knew what I was doing and was building armor around my insecure ego. Thank my Higher Power and others in here that he knew exactly what to do. He challenged my “intellectual” ego. He told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. How right he was. He woke me up.
Back in college I had studied theology, philosophy, and psychology. And guess what? He challenged that. He told me I was educated beyond my intelligence. Another wake up call I definitely needed. I had to learn to put my ego aside, and step away from my emotions and learn to think. Like my sponsor told me, I needed to think with my head and not my heart. But I had to learn what it was I needed to do. He started that off by telling me I was not to read the BB. I was to study it.
Time takes time. But I stuck with it, and have become part of this program. The part that works. And by doing all this, I am able to stay sober from alcohol a day at a time. And it’s all about alcohol and learning how to put this program into action, and, not only staying sober, but living a spiritual life and helping others like I was helped. Makes me grateful.