Two really painful things came back up today, when the group was talking about what we gain and live with as part of growing in AA. And it reminded me of two things, which were terribly painful back a long while ago. The first was all the pain I was going through from drinking alcohol. The second was having to go through growing along spiritual lines.
Back, when I was drinking alcohol, I was in such great pain, because I could not stop drinking. In fact my drinking had been increasing over the years. I finally was none stop drinking alcohol. Back then there was no public information about alcoholism. No detoxes, no rehabs, no hospitals treating alcoholics, and very few doctors involved. So suicide was all I could think of. So I was in this bar down in Wash. DC, where I worked, and I was on my way out the door to commit suicide.
That’s when the bartender went next door and brought this former military medic, who was treating people, but who had been challenged by one patient, who had smelled alcohol on him. Turned out the old man, who had charged him with drinking alcohol, was a member of AA, and told him about a meeting his group had. So he came next door and told me. And that stopped me.
And I went home and got on my knees and prayed for the first time in a long time. I begged God, as I understood Him, to relieve me of drinking alcohol, and I would surrender and do His will for me. I fell asleep, and when I awoke I discovered I had no desire to drink alcohol for the first time in years. And that got me to go to that meeting with my medic friend, who had heard about it.
I joined the AA program and decided to stay sober in my own fashion. That got me into a pretty bad and painful way of life. And that’s when I came open to my second sponsor, because my first, who did not practice the Steps in here, had gone back out and drank again and died.
And that’s when my second sponsor introduced me to another painful way of living. That was the Second Step, which opened a spiritual way of life for me and a relationship with what I agreed to call my Higher Power. It was either that or have to face the possibility of once again drinking and having to face death like my first sponsor.
Of course my second sponsor opened my my mind for me, when he said that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. And that hit me right in my mind and my heart. I knew what he said was right, and it stunned me. I had to learn how to change. And with his help, and that of others, I began to change. Definitely not easy, but do-able over time in here.
Anyway, like I said, time took time. A lot of time, but it has made me grateful. Peace of heart and mind is within me. I have been able to go from the negative to the positive. Happiness. A desire to do my Higher Power’s will. To freely give to the new alcoholic, as it was freely given to me. And to be grateful to my Higher Power, my old sponsor and his widow, and all those old timers in here, who helped me. Also I need to be grateful to all those, who are helping me today. And to do the same for them. Thanks.