Rigorous honesty. That’s what the BB says this program is. It requires rigorous honesty. Rigorous honesty with whom? Someone else? Or me? Yes, me.
Someone asked me the question today about being constitutionally incapable of being honest with oneself. The BB says that they’re usually men and women, who cannot or will not give themselves to this program. They can’t grasp the concept of being honest with themselves. I’m an alcoholic. No I’m not. That kind of honesty or dishonesty. The basic essential to begin this journey. The ability to grasp, surrender, and accept the fact of their being powerless over alcohol.
The BB tells us that these people are not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. I really don’t know about that. It’s probably true. All I know is that, when I came in here, I was such an habitual liar that I thought I was one of those people. I had almost convinced myself I wouldn’t be able to get this program and achieve sobriety.
But then something happened, which I have remembered ever since. That was the value of talking to someone else. I discovered that by myself it’s hard to be honest with myself. Talking to someone else helps me past those moments of denial. Through the help of others the truth about myself is revealed to both them and myself.
What happened was that I was sitting over coffee with my brother in law, who had come into this program at the same time I did. He asked me if I thought I was constitutionally incapable of being honest. He said he felt that he was. I told him that’s exactly what I thought too. In that moment we both realized that we were capable of telling the truth, not just to others but to ourselves. What a revelation that was. We could strive for rigorous honesty.
Rigorous honesty has taken time to become a reality. I’m not sure that I have achieved that level today. There’s always room for improvement. Rigorous implies a strictness, an unyielding way of thinking and dealing with myself. I’m not sure that I have arrived at that point in my life. But, like I said, I’m able to strive for that manner of living.
As for the words “they seemed to have been born that way” would give me permission to use that as a cop out. An excuse to allow myself to continue to drink and justify that insanity. But I really don’t know. I’m only glad to have found out the truth for me. It has allowed me to proceed in my pursuit of a sober life today. And I’m grateful for the realization of my capacity to be honest with me and others.