Bill W. tells us that we will never be free from fear. That doesn’t mean that, someone like me, by working these Steps into my life, will be plagued by fear. It just means that occasionally I will be subject to fears. Sometimes.
I was thinking about this last night and today. That’s because I remembered how, when I came in, I was full of fear. Some of these fears were totally nameless. I really didn’t know what I was afraid of. Just afraid. And, when I finally began to put the Steps into action, particularly the 2nd and 3rd, the fears began to diminish.
Gradually the fears I was aware of, began to melt away. I was more comfortable by the time I was past the 9th, when I seemed to be done with the resentments and I had gotten through the major amends. But as time went on, some fears began to creep back in. They came in the form of worry and anxiety prompted by some difficulties in my life. Problems. And some were what I would call for me “normal”. And some were caused by good sense or caution. I still have a healthy fear or just good sense about alcohol. Let’s just say I respect it and its power.
What prompted these thoughts was in reading something in the Desiderata. It cautions me not to distress myself with dark imaginings. I guess something like projecting into the future. Then it says that many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Makes sense. When I’m overtired I often don’t think straight. However, I rarely feel lonely. That sense of being lonely seemed to have vanished, when I finally began to find some “permanent” hope, which eventually began to become a faith or belief within. I always thought of that as the beginning of filling that “God hole”.
The beginning of that thought talks about how what I need to achieve. A strength of spirit to shield me in sudden misfortune. I’ve certainly had those moments of misfortune in my sobriety. I guess we all do. Somehow I know that I got through those things without thinking about a drink or going all to pieces. I attribute that to the program and the people around me. The encouragement to overcome discouragement. And of course that continuing hope that this too shall pass. And they did. A reinforcement of a faith in my higher power.
Anyway, that’s the way my thinking went. I just needed to run this stuff by and take a look at where my life is today. Still thinking about sobriety and being grateful for all I have received in this program.
I grew up with fear in my belly since I was a kid, every day never knowing what the uncomfortable feeling was, just that it felt overwhemingly crippling. So I didn’t know what it was or what to do with it. I personalized it, I was ashamed of it, I hid it. So It began as a kid a lifetime quest to find something outside myself to make the “knot” of fear in my belly go away. I accomplished much and the relief I experienced was short term and counterfeit at best. Using alcohol to kill the pain and be comforatble in my own skin worked temporarily – you can run but can’t hide. I did not know that freedom and happiness is an inside experience thus an inside job thus the 12 steps as well as continiuous maintence of my spiritul condition.
Today when I am overwhlemed with fear it is a clear sign I am in my brain, where the book says my disease resides. I use the tools, prayer, reaching out, meditation to shift to my heart, my inner guide, my gut, my inner truth, etc which has NEVER lied to me. Peace