I sometimes count myself as a fortunate man. Can’t help it. How often people just like myself call me and allow me the privilege of listening to their stories. And just as often I get to hear myself through them.
This day I received two of these calls and they described me perfectly. Both were not only projecting dismal futures, but describing their fears and their anger. Sounds like me many times over.
The need to stay on their side of the street was clear. Haven’t I failed to do that? Yes. The need to mind my own business was patently clear. To pay attention only to what I do. Not what someone else does or doesn’t do.
The fear was clear. The anger born of that fear. How many times I have been guilty of this same thing. And the loneliness that this drives us into. Doesn’t matter how many are around us, we’re still alone. Alone in our heads. Cut off from all help, because we’re swept up into resentments, which we tend to treasure and want to keep to ourselves.
As they were talking, I went back to the words I remember writing a few days back. About dark imaginings, and the fears born of fatigue and loneliness. Those words have been so true of myself in the past and the possibility in the future, if I’m not careful and aware of my defects. Not close to being a saint yet. Still capable of making all kinds of mistakes. Still human.
But the great thing out of all of this is that none of us has taken a drink. Still sober in spite of ourselves. Still going to meetings and searching for the help we need from those great sources of help and strength; our higher power and the group. Still willing to pick ourselves up and start over again. Still trying to practice these principles in all of our affairs. Still reading the BB and the 12&12. Still going to that 11th Step. Still willing to change. Trying to change.
I was so grateful for the sharing of these people. A generosity on their part. A certain demonstration of love and caring. I find myself cut down to size by this kind of affection, often thinking how undeserving I feel. Who am I but another drunk just like them. But it’s that tie that binds us together and draws us to one another. Amazing.