How easy it is for me to forget some of the basics I’m supposed to have learned, while trying to practice these 12 Steps in my life. Particularly, when it comes to the idea of perfection. Words like letting go absolutely. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything absolutely in my life, except for getting absolutely drunk.
However the perfection I’m thinking about is that discussed in the 6th Step. The separation of the men from the boys, which Bill talks about in the 12&12.
Like a lot of people I know in here, who, when first faced with the 6th and 7th Steps in the BB, decided that they had done their best with these two, if they just agreed they’d be glad to be done with their character defects and were willing to turn them over to God as they understood God, so did I. Only after a period of time after that did I come to understand the impact these character defects were having on my life and my sobriety.
Then and only then, faced with the way some of these had come to be burdens on me, like justifiable anger, self righteous thinking, and some others, did I realize that I had to look deeper into the causes and then begin to do something about them. After all, these were making me subject to storms, which very well could sabotage my sobriety. No way I wanted that.
That meant that I was going to have to find a way to get on the same page as those who preceded me into this program. I could already see the effect these two Steps had on their lives. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to go that far. You know, perfection. Not saying these men were perfect, but they certainly were more mature in their manner and ways of thinking, and more in charge of their lives than I was. Or any of the rest, who, like myself, had settled for a minimal nod in the direction of 6 & 7.
Six, as best as I could see it, was the beginning of coming to an understanding of the Serenity Prayer. What was it I needed to do and could do about my character defects, and what was it that only God could do that I couldn’t? Did I know? Was I willing to find out? And what about perfection?
The 6th Step for me was learning what was possible. Going through the experiences of these defects and coming to understand. For instance, anger, which is one of the most obvious. I knew I was really unable to stop anger. I could control how I responded to anger. I could keep my mouth shut and walk away. That was the part of the Serenity Prayer “the courage to change the things I can”. But the anger itself? That’s the first part of requesting God to grant me the serenity and acceptance of what I have no charge over. In other words the 7th Step. That’s just my thinking and my interpretation.
Bill tells us that most of us will settle for as much perfection which will allow someone like me to get by in life. On the other hand, I think, like the Desiderata said, beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. I’m still human. I’m still subject to errors. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m not always going to do the right thing. I know that and know that I’m fully capable of beating myself up for my mistakes. I need to learn, with the help of my higher power, how not to do that. Another defect, based on my old ideas, learned early on in life.
Anyway, as I was sitting here today, thinking about this road we’re all on in sobriety, it made me think of the roadblocks we run into along the way. And that took me back to 6 & 7. And they’re dependent on what I have learned about myself in the other housecleaning Steps. Moreover, how willing am I to take responsibility for myself in the spiritual axiom in the 10th Step? Also in the 12&12. Will I blame others for my faults?
No perfection. That’s for saints. I’ll never be that. I can do my best. If I can get willing to do that. And that’s all part of growing along spiritual lines. And that’s what this program is all about. I don’t have to get a hernia trying to do these things, I just have to pay attention and be willing to do what is asked of me, when the time comes. Sometimes, depending on my faults, maybe ahead of time.
Again it’s all about staying sober.