I was thinking today about the way I treat my problems. Especially those, when I feel the most threatened. I asked myself what I do to handle these things which formerly would drive me crazy.
In the past I would have drank over them. But sober I find that drinking wasn’t a solution at all. It merely blanked out the fear for a while. When I came out of the effects of alchol, I found that the problem was not only still present, but it had often gotten worse. So, for me, alcohol wasn’t really the solution I had hoped for. It simply masked what was still there.
What often happened, as I tried to wrestle with finding a solution, I would often find myself sinking into despair. Instead of really doing something, I found I couldn’t get out of my own way. So, when I came into the program, I had no trouble with the second part of the first step. My life was truly unmanageable.
I have often asked myself, what is it which could possibly take me back to a drink? Was it anger or resentment? Possibly. But, I have discovered, it’s really not those things, but what underlies them. Fear is the culprit. My self centered fear, which has the potential to overwhem my power to reason.
But, I have also found that there is a solution. A way that truly works. It was offered to me the first day I came into the program, although I saw it simply as hope. A hope based on what I witnessed in those who had come before me. Men and women, who were once hopeless drunks, who were now supremely confident in what they had found here.
What I was to discover, as time went on, this was all founded on a faith they had developed in a power greater than themselves to carry them through their lives so they would never have to resort to alcohol again. Through the process of the steps they had found a God of their understanding. They had changed totally. They weren’t the same people. They had a true spiritual awakening.
A long time ago, I met a man once, who had found sobriety in isolation, sitting on the edge of the Polar Icecap, reading the Big Book. He was twenty-five at the time. He now has over 60 years in the program. He pulled me aside and urged me to do the house cleaning steps. I met him about a year after that incident and was amazed he had remembered me and wanted to check up and see if I had followed through on his suggestions. I hadn’t and he once again urged me on. I did what he told me to do and I have never forgotten him or what he did for me. Although I haven’t seen him since, I still have been able to follow his career in sobriety by things I have heard and read about him through all these years. He recently wrote an article for the Grapevine. Look him up. His name is Paul M.
I’ve met a lot of old timers in this program, who have given me the support and their strength and example. Through him and men like him, I have been able to realize the promises of this program. A couple of these are that we will intuitively know how to handle situations which formerly baffled us and that God will do for us what we can’t do for ourselves. I often think about these promises, as I do all of them. But these in particular helped me to overcome my fears.
I was thinking about these things today and have an overwhelming gratitude for the program and those who helped me along the way.