It’s not hard to think about the subject of staying sober. What makes it difficult for me is that things come up, which seem to get in the way of it. Call them what you will, I think they’re part of my character defects.
And that’s exactly what we were talking about at the meeting today. The Sixth Step. Lots of good sharing. I really had to think back at that time, when I first ran across that and the Seventh. I think I was probably like a lot of those I’ve heard of in the past. Having finished the Fourth and Fifth I faced the next two. And guess what. There they were the shortest Steps in the BB. I think I just took a deep breath and moved on. After all, there seemed to be nothing to them. What a mistake that was.
It took me some time to get to the Eighth and Ninth. I had not been sober that long and I’m sure a lot of those I would face on those two Steps definitely needed a demonstration of time in sobriety. Like the the 12&12 states…a sense of good timing. That’s pretty much what my sponsor and some of those old timers told me. They said I would know when I was ready.
So by the time I got to the Eighth I was totally unprepared for what happened. I was writing down the list of those I knew belonged on it and ran into a brick wall. There it was right there on paper. All these resentments. And that drove me back to the Sixth and Seventh, which I really hadn’t taken the time to really work.
I found in the 12&12 what seemed to have been left out in the BB. At least in my mind back then. The problem was that I had been careless and set in my mind that there was nothing to those two Steps. Now I had to go back and find out what they were really all about.
As I talked today at the meeting I could almost see the process I went through with my dealing with my defects. To say the least it was very imperfect. I knew from what I had heard that most of us were never really going to be rid of them. I guess I did the best I could at the moment and moved on.
When I reached that spiritual awakening, the restoration to sanity, as far as my insanity to alcohol was concerned, I discovered that the rest of my insanity was still in place. I was still human and had character defects, which came up from time to time. But now there was a difference in not only my defects but me. The Steps had changed me. I guess I would have to say the truth that the effect my Higher Power had on me led to a change in character. I was becoming a different person.
The hope, the faith, and trust in my Higher Power was growing. And, as long as I stuck with it, persevered, it seemed to be increasing over time and with experience. Looking back I can see the difference from then until now. For one thing I have slowly grown in terms of my emotions. Where once they were in control, it has been limited quite a bit. Something Bill wrote about, maturing emotionally. That came to me from the guidance of my sponsor and others. Learning to avoid their power and not letting them take over my mind. That and the help I have received from the God of my understanding.
And it’s the power my emotions used to have over me, which so often led to my defects taking over. So anger and resentments have come up from time to time, but not in the fashion or intensity of the past, as I have grown in here. I guess I could say, having grown along spiritual lines. What I see in so many others at all different stages of their sobriety. Coming to an understanding of what is going on and the willingness to surrender and let go and let my Higher Power do for me what I can’t do for myself.
Anyway I was thinking earlier today that the chances of perfection in my life is way way off. I can’t even see the distance. I thought to myself that I will never ever become a saint. But in a sense that’s all right. As long as I desire to stay sober and keep trying to put this program into action I know that the possibility of me growing is still there. That thought provides me with peace of mind, some serenity, and offers me happiness. But it also gives me a lot of gratitude.