I was reading a story from one of the previous editions of the BB and it caused me to reflect on a similar incident in my life. The man who wrote the story told about his hospitalization in the Navy. He didn’t know he was in a Navy hospital until he woke up. He was there because of his drinking. That’s what keyed it off for me. I had a similar incident in the Navy, when I awoke and found myself lying on a table and two medical corpsmen sitting on either side of me. In his case, the doctor came to him and talked about his condition. In my case, I was taken into the doctor. When the doctor told him what was wrong, he immediately denied it. When I went to the doctor in my case, he told me that In all of his years in the Navy I was the drunkest drunk he had ever seen. I not only had the same reaction, but I was thrilled. Imagine; the drunkest drunk. I felt like he had pinned a medal on me.
It’s amazing how we all have this first great hurdle we must get over in order to start our life in sobriety. Denial. I can remember having to pick up a psychologist in college. He had a meeting he had to attend and I was supposed to come get him and drive him back to his residence after the meeting. So, I spent my time waiting in a bar. When I came to get him, the first thing he did was comment on the smell of alcohol on me. He said that he thought I was an alcoholic and needed help. I told him I couldn’t be an alcoholic since I only drank beer. He said that I had to be a beeraholic and still needed help. I thought he must have been nuts.
All through my drinking career I sluffed off every attempt of well meaning friends and family to describe my condition. Even when my drinking companions began to tell me that I was in trouble from drinking, I wouldn’t buy it. Thank you very much, but I can handle my liquour. I know what I’m doing. Leave me alone.
It took pain to get my attention. Mental, physical, emotional pain, which led me to want to end my life. And finally spiritual pain, to realize my helplessness and make me cry out to God to help me. I crossed that first hurdle and was able to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and needed help. I was fianlly led to AA and crossed the threshold into a new way of life.
But, like the seventh step in the 12&12 points out, this was just the beginning. In fact, after I was over five years sober, a counselor to whom I had gone for more help, pointed out to me that my admission that I was powerless was just that. She told me that I had not yet gotten down on my knees and that I had only genuflected. Denial was still deep within in me. There were more hurdles yet to be crossed.
Denial runs deep within all of us. I can see it in my own life so clearly and yet have so much denial that it is an obstacle in front of me. No one likes to have anyone accuse us of stealing a cookie. Even with a cookie in hand, a child will say, “No I didn’t, not me.” “You’re an alcoholic.” “No I’m not.”
When it comes to my sober life, it’s still there. When it comes to my character defects, it’s still there. Maybe someday.
Anyway, I was thinking about this after reading that story. I know I’ve come a long way, but I still have a way to go yet.
I know that the danger in all of this is that denial may some day take me back. But the striving toward honesty and humility may just keep me here. I know the answer is spiritual and I need to be reminded daily, because denial can make me forget.
Don’t pick lemons.