Early on in my sobriety, Tom used to tell me that I could screw up a one car funeral or a ball bearing. I would get so complicated in my thinking that it was almost impossible for me to grasp the simplest of thoughts. One of them was the Serenity Prayer. Instead of saying it, I would find myself trying to analyze it. It took me the longest time to grasp it.
Unfortunately, my mind was prone to constantly thinking and analyzing every little item it could get its hands on. I remember reading the BB for the first time. I was always going between the lines to try to figure out everything I was reading. The result was that I not only found it slow going, I ended up knowing or understanding little of what it was trying to tell me. Yet, I was too introverted and self involved to ask any questions or to simply ask someone to help me.
The problem was that I came in knowing everything. Tom once told me (a thousand times over) that my problem was that I thought I knew and didn’t know that I didn’t know. Guess what I did with that?
When I first came to College Park, I would sit there and putting on my wise old owl face and nod at everything that was said. Hell, I didn’t have any idea what anyone was talking about. I would hear them talk about the twelve steps. I would nod. In my mind I was trying to remember how many steps there were to get to this basement room. Were there twelve? I would ask myself. I would have to remember to count them, when I left. Then, someone would mention the Big Book and I would nod. I thought they were talking about the Bible. But ask? Not me. I knew.
Then, someone would say something like, the first drink will get you drunk. I would get lost in convoluted thinking at that and probably end up thinking how stupid this individual was. I was always arguing mentally with most of the speakers. Fighting. Constantly struggling with all the others in the room. I would go away exhausted. But I was afraid to let anyone know what was going on in that vast space between my ears.
My complicated thinking would always lead me to being overwhelmed with negativity and fear. I was always anxiety ridden and on the verge of panic. Talk about depressed. Thank God for people, who just wouldn’t mind their own business. There were those, who could see just how sick I was and intervened on my dilemma with me.
And, when it came to the subject of God, I took all my vast knowledge and got myself into a hole so deep that it’s a wonder anyone could finally tell my brain to shut up and just listen. I never forgot the night, when I was dispensing my wisdom to a confounded and befuddled group, an old timer at the end of the table shouted for me to shut up and take the cotton out of my ears and stuff it in my mouth. What a miraculous moment that was. Finally, someone had peaked my hole card and put an end to it. I was shattered. Someone had pricked the baloon of my ego and let some of the gas out. Humiliation was to lead to a splinter of humility. It was only the beginning.
I finally realized that they were talking about one thing. Alcohol. And what they were saying was that there was a solution. I had forgotten with all my complicated thinking why I had come here. These people were trying desperately to save my life. I didn’t have to be sitting around thinking about things I really didn’t understand. I didn’t have to worry about my soul or spirit. Not now. That would come later. I just didn’t have to drink one day at a time. My sponsor, Tom, was there to guide me through the minefield of my life. I was home at last.
At times, I slip and find myself back analyzing and complicating. Like a friend of mine says, we should never go into our minds without adult supervision. I always need to remember or be reminded to get back to the basics. It’s so simple. I can now, with the help of others, handle a ballbearing or two, without too much trouble. Once on firm footing, in my mind, with the first three steps, I can move back into the rest of them and life. With the program and God on my side, how can I go wrong?