Something, which has plagued me since I was a child, is the idea that I can always get my way. Where that came from and where it’s taken me in my life is from there to here. How that all happened I have no idea, except that I am here and the idea of getting my way still sits just outside the door waiting to come in.
Getting my way got me into a lot of trouble. When I first would accomplish it, it would seem to make me happy or satisfied. But eventually it would play out in the lives of others and cause all kinds of disruptions in relationships. Worse it would begin another erosion within me and I would end up devastated with the results of this kind of process. The payoff was more unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life and I would be driven to try to get more and more of my way.
Guilt and remorse and a larger and larger hole within me began to grow. I became more lonely and isolated. I drank more and more, not knowing what the problem was. Alcohol became my way. All that accompanies drinking like that became what I wanted. But alcohol was what I wanted in the end. I was finally getting my way with every drink I drank.
Bill was right, when he described my life as a tornado ripping through the lives of others.
The reason I was thinking about this today was because I never want to forget what alcohol did to me and to those whose paths I crossed. It’s a reminder to me to always keep my primary purpose right in front of my eyes. To focus on the reason I came here and to try to maintain this way of life each day I live and breath.
Sandy B. quoted Bill W., when he said that our plan for living was stupid. He repeated that word ‘stupid’ a number of times and it would make me laugh. Stupid does describe a person, who always wanted to get their way. I have to will my way into this way of life to walk away from where I was before. Bill says it’s the proper use of the will. It’s to choose to God’s will not my will. Everyday I must ask God what he would have me do. Then try to do that.
I frequently remember the lines in Freedom from Bondage, where the woman who wrote it says, that she doesn’t always get what she wants in this program, but she gets all she needs. And when she gets what she needs, she finds that it is what she wanted all along. That has been my experience also. I have to place my needs in front of my wants. Not the other way around.
The result for me, living this way of life, has been as close as I have come to true happiness. True freedom. Everyday that I live free of alcohol and free from seeking to get my way, has brought me closer to freedom from the bondage of self. I pray that I may continue along this path and seek the company and the assistance of others to help me do this.
Anyway, that’s what came to mind in seeking to do the 11th step.
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