One of the things I discovered, when I came into the program, was the word “tolerance”. I had “pseudo tolerance”, when I came, but was too cynical and resentful to know what people were talking about. Especially when they combined it with love. I was told and read that love and tolerance is the code we’re supposed to live by. I still find myself struggling with fits and starts about this concept.
Someone handed me a 2004 copy of the Grapevine the other day. It was commerating the 60th anniversary of the Grapevine. Of course many of the articles and items were from sixty or so years back. One of them made me laugh, when it talked about the concern AA had for the influx of hippies and how to handle them. But it did make me think about how tolerant, not so much how AA is on what goes on today, but how tolerant I am. I can find myself suffering from not only intolerance for newcomers, but how much love I lack sometimes for others.
Perhaps a better way for me to look at this question is how much do I tolerate myself. It’s one thing to apply myself to the steps to correct this problem, but the real question is am I tolerant toward my defects and short comings? In other words do I accept myself as I am? I think self acceptance, the truth about me, is a thing I have to deal with first. In the seventh step prayer I ask for God to accept the good and bad of me, but do I? I often forget to pause and contemplate what that means.
It is often said that God knows the sincerity of our hearts. I wonder if I do. I’m not talking about perfection. Just a little honesty on my part.
One way I know that I try to deal with this question of love and tolerance is to act as if. It’s not perfect, but it does work.
I find that by doing this I get out of myself for moments at a time. It’s the program. It’s what I’m supposed to do in order to maintain this spiritual path we’re all on to stay sober this day.
I was thinking about this, not only because of the article in the Grapevine, but because of what is happening in the lives of some I know, who have been having difficulties. When I prayed for them, I found myself ending my prayer with not my will but thy will be done, as I have learned from the BB and all those old timers, who went before me. Thy will not my will. By questioning myself, I find that trying to practice so imperfectly the “code” of love and tolerance, it is exactly that. Not my will, but trying to unite my will with God’s will, as I understand him.
It’s all about sobriety and sober living. Anyway, sounds like the way I think. I like to think about sobriety and staying sober and doing what is asked of me.
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