Every once in a while, I am compelled to sit back and say to myself, “I just don’t understand you, Ned”. And, I don’t. This kind of conversation with self has been going on and off for years. Recently it’s come back. Today, I heard a friend in the meeting talking about it. He said something to the effect that he knows what’s good for him, but doesn’t do it. He said that it was the same thing with God’s will. He knows something of what it might be, but rebels against it at times.
What is it in us, as the man said, which is like a two or three year old, that says “I won’t”? The BB tells us, early on, that “at some of these we balked”. Sure enough I did. I know that I’ve probably quoted St.Paul at various times, when he said that which he would not do, he did, and that which he would do, he did not.
Bill tells us that the basis for humility is to seek and do the will of God. But something inside of me says “Don’t bet on it”. What is that? Bill tells us that at times the alcoholic is self will run riot, even though he doesn’t think so. Well I know that I think so at times. What is that?
It’s kind of like I was born to rebellion. It’s a thing which puzzles the hell out of me.
I know this stuff comes over me, when I let my guard down. But then I think that even when my guard is up, I still fuss and wrestle with this. There is something in me that says I don’t want to be good. Do I want to be bad? I don’t think so, but those are not the facts.
Do I want to drink again? No. Definitely not. Then how am I to continue to grow along spiritual lines, if I’m always in this state of rebellion? Not always, but sometimes. I haven’t worked it out yet. I know this is an imperfect way of life. I can’t expect myself to be perfect and will have to always accept my imperfections and constantly go back to 6 and 7. Maybe that’s what it’s all about. Striving to practice these principles in all my affairs. Practice, it says. Practice. It doesn’t say achieving.
I guess that’s one reason I have to keep coming back. I’m still learning. That’s why I need to go to meetings and hear what I’m always forgetting. Today we were talking about putting one foot in front of the other and taking the next step.
I’ve always been a klutz and am often prone to taking a misstep and falling all over my feet. Literally. I just don’t want to take the step, which will lead me into a barroom again.
Thank God for prayer and the prayers of others, which have kept me on this path.
Anyway, just thinking. Not getting down, but out.
TV dinner still cooling?