I was thinking today of all the things I needed, when I came to this program. The first thing was obvious. I needed to stop drinking. I knew almost instinctively that if I didn’t stop I was a dead man. Alcohol had driven me to the point of insanity and to the brink of suicide.
The second thing I needed was obvious, now that I’m able to look back at it. I needed hope. I had lost hope in the one thing that seemed to be the only thing which could solve my problems: alcohol. I was in despair that the one thing which could help me no longer could. I had lost hope in anything.
I also needed to stop the sense of panic, which was overwhelming me. I felt that I was losing whatever sanity I had left and had this feeling that I was headed for a mental insittution.
It was then that I heard a man say something I needed to hear. He told me that there was a place where men and women stayed sober together and that if I wanted to go there, he would take me to that place. In that moment, a light went on inside of me. I think that was the first glimpse I had of hope being restored. I felt I had a chance. Furthermore, I had never realized how black it was inside of me until that moment.
That night I did something I hadn’t done in almost twenty years. I prayed. Not just a prayer, but I begged God to stop me from drinking and living the live I had been living. I promised Him that I would do anything He wanted me to do, if He would do this for me. I awoke the next day and the thought of a drink and the desire had left me. It has never really returned again.
Five days later I was taken to my first meeting. I entered that first meeting with two things: a fear that what I would find wouldn’t work for me and the feeling that this was the last house on the block. What I found was a group of people, who welcomed me like a long lost member of a their family. I had this sense that I had come home for the first time in my life.
I heard these people talking about their suffering in a world of alcohol and drugs, and then their discovery of a solution in this program. I was given the hope I was seeking. I was also given the feeling of support from these people. That feeling of panic and fear didn’t dissapear, but I was told that if I wanted what they had and that if I did what they had done, I would be all right and I would never drink again. I believed them. At least I had the hope that what they had told me was true. The evidence of what they were saying was right there in front of me.
I wanted what they had. I was told that if I was willing to go to any lengths to get what they had, I would get it. Desperation drove me. And they gave me a “key” before we parted that night. They told me that I had to only do what was required of me a day at a time.
Like so many others, I was instructed to go to meetings daily. I did. And when I was tempted not to–when I was tired, when I “felt” that I was too busy, and whatever excuse I could come up with–my sponsor and others made sure that I didn’t let up on this. They told me that if I had cancer or another life threatening illness and I knew that a meeting a day would save my life, I would be at a meeting with bells on. I knew that if I drank again I was a dead man. I went despite how I felt. I’m still going.
Today, as I was thinking about this, I recalled the words of the woman, who wrote her story in the BB, called Freedom From Bondage. “I get everything I need in Alcoholics Anonymous–and everything I need I get. And when I get what I need, I invariably find it was just what I wanted all the time. Me too.