I was thinking about this business of acceptance; the willingness to go to any lengths. It’s hard for me to go back and remember what it really was like, when I came in. I mean it was over three decades ago plus. But some memories remain.
In the beginning it was almost no choice. I had to stop drinking. I was willing, at first, to do anything it took to get away from alcohol. My first meeting in AA convinced me it was possible. I looked around the room and saw all these people, who were sober, and I got hope that I could do it too. I listened to their stories and looked into each of their faces and was encouraged by their commitment. So I just got in line and followed what they were telling me and I admitted and accepted.
But then, after a while, some of that commitment I had made began to wane. I still wanted what they had, but hesitation began to grow within me. I wasn’t to sure that I wanted to do all that was being asked of me. For instance, I wasn’t too sure that I wanted to grow along spiritual lines. Some of the steps looked forbidding to me. I wanted the rewards, but wasn’t sure I wanted to do the work to get to them. I began to assume that I was getting them. I presumed in my own mind that I would be all right if I cut corners and avoided the “hard” stuff.
Then two things happened. One was a question my sponsor asked me, the other was something in the BB. My sponsor asked me one day to what lengths I was willing to go to stay sober. I had already made up my mind I wanted to stay sober, but to what lengths? I guess I said I was willing to go to any lengths. I don’t know if I believed that, but I said it anyway. The next was my sponsor finally getting me to read the fourth chapter of the BB. The chapter to the agnostics.
I had been educated in theology and psychology and didn’t think I needed to go there. After all, “I knew everything”. So why bother? Finally I did as he asked and found myself faced with a dilemma. “Lack of power” and the need to find a way to get that power to enable me to live! And then the question of a higher power. Either God is or He isn’t. He was either everything or nothing.
I was finally confronted with having to make a choice. Either I was going to have to accept the program as it was presented to me or I was going to die an alcoholic death. This wasn’t going to be some romantic, story book kind of choice. This was hard reality. Choose the way I wanted to go. It was the end of a kindergarten fantasy; some emotional day dream. There was none of this “frothy emotional appeal”, as the Doctor’s Opinion stated.
I made the choice which has led me to where I am today. Where I wouldn’t be, if I hadn’t. Today I find I have to make choices still. I’m not always too willing to make the right ones and I still screw up on some of them. But everyday I get up I find that there is a choice I have to make. So far, I must be making some right choices or I wouldn’t be here to tell you what I have done. My higher power, God, will empower me, where I lack power, to have the chance to make the right choice. Experience has shown me that. And the discipline of surrender, which I have a great lack of, gives me the chance to make the right choice. In so doing, I have been able to avoid that next first drink.
In saying this, I know that I’m not alone. I have you all as my example in what I will do next. Thanks. You make me grateful.