One of my old ideas, which I had to be done with, was that, if I learned and knew a lot, it would somehow make me more safe and secure. Well, I did get a good education and knew a lot, but none of that made me any wiser or helped with my drinking problem. When I came in, what I knew didn’t take away the fear I was experiencing. I felt more vulnerable than ever, possibly because I was more aware without the alcohol to dull my senses.
Worse yet, was that I felt I knew so much that I almost missed getting this program, That was because what I thought I knew caused me to feel that I was smarter than anyone else and I thought I knew what was going on and what was good for me. I was to discover the opposite was true. What I thought I knew had never kept me sober before and could quite possibly get me drunk again.
What I was to discover, because I really did want to get sober, was that my knowledge and thinking needed to be put on hold. I was to find out, through the patient direction and tough love of my sponsor, that I needed to stop thinking and to proceed to action with the twelve steps. I had to give up my ego and what I thought I wanted and turn it over to my newly found higher power. In other words, I had to learn to give up and surrender. I had to begin to learn acceptance, a word with which I had hardly a passing acquaintence.
I was talking to an old friend today and we were discussing our old ideas. Hopefully I have let go of enough of these to keep me sober today. I know I still am sometimes plagued with some of these, but I’m commited to keep on trying to let go of all of them. I know it’s progress not perfection which is the operative word. But I do know from experience that if I want to stay sober I’m going to someday have to be done with all of them.
Just thinking.