I was thinking about faith today. Because in order to stay sober, we have to have faith in something or someone other than ourselves. And that always seems to be the problem; ourselves.
Many years ago, when I was in the Catholic Seminary, I had a crises in faith. It seemed that I lost it. For the next year or so I wrestled with this problem to no avail and finally left the seminary. What I didn’t know then was that this was a gift to me and I threw that gift away for a drink. Twenty or so years later, I finally got sober and found that the program was a way to rediscover this faith I thought I had lost. It was a different kind of faith, but it was faith.
My “dilemma”, I found, was not unusual. Doubt, I discovered, seems to be a necessary element in finding a real faith. I was to read and uncover that many of our most revered and venerated spiritual people have had to go through the same pain of doubt, in order to come to a mature and adult form of faith.
They had to arrive, at some point, of letting go of their childish beliefs, usually learned at the knees of their parents. They had to grow up and develop their own faith. The problem they suffered was the fear of letting go of something they had known all their lives. Like the BB said, let go of our old ideas absolutely. A scary proposition.
Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves. The 2nd Step offered me a beginning. It offered hope and a solution to my inability to get sober. I read the Chapter to the agnostics and grabbed on to what it said and began, through the practice of the Steps to grow into a faith which is my own. I won’t bore you or confuse you with what that is. It is enough to say that through the application of these steps we individually arrive at our own concept of faith. Something each one of us can believe in, which leads us to another day of sobriety. Whatever it is for each of us, it is enough.
Faith for me is not static. It is ever changing. A process. It is often a sometime thing. There are times when it seems so weak that it appears to fade with the light of day. At other times it is rock solid. I know with certainty in what I believe and depend upon. Often I find it centered in the group and the meetings. At other times it appears in the literature. Always I know there is a foundation to which I can go and place my feet on. It always begins for me with the 1st Step and goes forward from there.
I’m not drinking today because of faith. I haven’t drank in a long time and I believe that I will not, as I go forward. But faith, like my commitment to this program, has to be renewed each day. I believe I must stay current with this program and practice these principles in all of my affairs, no matter how imperfectly. It’s the willingness expressed in my actions and the gratitude I carry for what AA has done for me.
Anyway, I was thinking about this today.