Whenever I find myself on the short end of life, I have to back off and search out what’s wrong. That spiritual axiom in the 10th Step in the 12&12.
Usually it doesn’t take that long to locate the problem. It’s me. Sometimes I almost laugh. That’s because what’s often wrong with me is me. That’s one of the things which makes working this program so difficult.
Often I find that one of my problems is my sleepwalking. It happens, when I lose focus. I can go back and find how I started to drift. Often it comes, when I think I’m not doing badly and things seem to be going in the right direction. About that time I start getting careless and am not thinking about my primary purpose or anything about attempting to live some sort of spiritual life. Self will run riot can slip through the door in the blink of an eye.
A friend of mine often says something which sums it up. I ain’t much, but I’m all I think about. Self centered. Does it ever go away? Not according to the people I’ve talked to over time. Another friend tells me that it used to be all about him. Now, he says, it’s almost all about him.
One thing, which I know is part of the answer, is attending meetings on a regular basis. Getting to hear what I need to remember. To be reminded of what my role in life is. To stay sober and to carry the message, if possible, and to practice the spiritual principles in all of my affairs. Easy to think about at this moment, but can get lost in moments after. Why? That should be obvious to me. Because of me.
The answer is spiritual, of course. Paying attention to my higher power and trying to work this program into my life on a daily basis. Gratitude is one of the elements needed. Being open to others around me. Especially at meetings. But often there’s the telephone. Reading the BB and other literature pertaining to sobriety and spirituality. Acceptance and willingness.
But then my friends words come back to haunt me. I ain’t much, but I’m all I think about. Knowing what is wrong and accepting it is a start. Willingness to change has to be a continuous practice.
Anyway, there I go again, thinking about me.