As time goes on a number of things become apparent to me. One of them is how little I find that I know and the other is how much I still have to learn. This is something, which has become clearer. I know I can come to meetings and sit around a listen and share. The Fifth Tradition and Step Twelve. Part of growing along spiritual lines. And that’s it isn’t it?
The older I get and the longer I’m in this program I find that there is a lot more time on my hands than earlier on. In some ways that is good. But I know from my sponsor and others in the past that I need to keep my hands in this program each day I’m sober. If I want to stay sober.
I’ve been going back and looking at the BB and other literature and something keeps popping up in my mind. And that is the message of how much further I need to go in spirituality. I know I’m not anymore a spiritual person than a number of those I know around me. However I was reading something last night, which, along with some other readings, makes some things clearer in how to grow along these lines more. Not easy but there it is.
The need for more surrender to my Higher Power is beginning to grow. And how does that work? One of those “virtues” I need more of is humility. And the surrender someone wrote about was in our sharing. How does that work? Not hanging on to things. By that it means that there are things I have shared, but have kept them quiet and only with a chosen few. The suggestion was to be willing to expose those things more publicly. Won’t that make me appear more foolish than I already am? Sure enough.
However that’s where the humility comes in. Not to let myself be overcome by appearing whatever. To accept that’s just the way I am. To help myself become aware that I need to puncture my pride. My oversized ego. To put all this in the God of my understanding’s hands. To trust and have faith, come what may, that I will be better off as a result and grow closer to this God of mine.
Anyway I was thinking about this today, after having read it last night. I know already that I can get entirely ill at ease, when someone in a meeting, or even outside, refers to something I have said, or referencing me in a way that seems praise worthy. There was a time, when I had mixed feelings about that. Probably a somewhat swelled head, with a little question about my deserving such notice. That is beginning to die out, as I become more aware of the need for humility in my life.
One thing, which helps put this swell head down, is when people tend to clown around with me at meetings, which they do from time to time. Someone came up to me the other day and made a remark about that. They had been away, out of town.for a few months. They said wasn’t I humiliated by some of the jokes being pointed at me. I can’t remember what I replied. I think I just laughed and told her it was good for me. And it is. That’s stuff I can shake off and let go. I know it’s good for me. It helps reduce the size of my ego somewhat. Keeps me in the right place with myself and others. One of the things I can thank my Higher Power for allowing me the opportunity to go through.
I know I have much more to think about this surrender and humility. Something I’m going to have to seek guidance on. I know, when I have had the opportunity to speak at functions that I have to some degree gone and shared things publicly that formerly I would have kept to myself or a trusted individual. I don’t mean doing a public Fifth Step. But being willing to reveal my weaknesses and my stumbling and bumbling in my sobriety.
Anyway I was thinking about growing more along spiritual lines. Part of working this program I have been given. I know some old timers I knew in the past, who were willing to go along the lines of something like I was just thinking. Funny thing was that I admired them for what they were doing. I know others I talked to who felt the same way.
Surrender, accept, and increase my humility. Just another day thinking about this sober life I have been given. Thinking about the gratitude I owe to all those who have helped me, my Higher Power, the program, and the people in it. Thanks.