Two things struck me today. One was the topic of going to a party where there is alcohol, when we are fairly new. The other was vanity and anger, and the Eleventh Step. Interesting to this alcoholic, who needs to stay sober a day at a time.
I couldn’t help but think about the person who brought up the fact of being a fairly new member and going to such a risky business as being with others who would be drinking fairly heavily. It reminded me immediately of my sponsor and how he helped me to stay sober. The first thing was his puncturing my ego by telling me that I really didn’t know what I thought I knew. I only thought I did. And the truth was he was right. I needed help I didn’t have up until now at that time.
I learned that I had to become dependent on not only my sponsor, but those old timers back then. They knew how to stay sober and I didn’t. I had to learn to go to them and tell them what was going on and then listen to their recommendations. In fact one of our old time members today told this person, who brought up the subject, that they needed to talk to their sponsor before going off on their own. It was the same thing. Listen to someone who knows what they’re doing. Don’t depend on our own thoughts, especially when we’re new.
And, of course, one of the reinforcements for an alcoholic like myself, is that Eleventh Step. Coming to hope and believe in a Power greater than myself. The God of my understanding, which began with that Second and Third Steps. And going to this Higher Power of my own and seeking the help I need. The strength and power I don’t possess is available through the seeking a conscious contact with the Power greater than myself. Not only depending on others in this program, but the God of my understanding. Coming to be restored to sanity and having a spiritual awakening I need to protect me against going back out and drinking again and dying.
Hopefully, by going through the Steps leading up to the Eleventh, I have begun to change. Not only have I begun to think and live differently, but I have become more open to the help I need. Especially because I need all the help I can get. Even though I have changed, I’m still human and can find myself stumbling over my faults. Those early Steps have begun to prepare me to be open for the help I need.
I was talking to others today and yesterday about our being subject to tripping over my vanity. My ego. My “admiration” of myself. May seem absurd, but I can fool myself and think I’m being spiritual and humble, when the truth is that I’m oversensitive about my appearance or thoughts about myself. All of which can lead someone like me to find myself beginning to get irritated and angry at how others might see me. Sounds dumb, but like my sponsor told me that my own thinking can lead me down the wrong path.
I know I need to be open and share with others how I’m doing and what it is I’m thinking. I do know from my past experiences and what I have learned in here that my emotions can slip in and take over my thinking and my actions. The BB tells me that eternal vigilance is the price of sobriety. I have to stop thinking I can get along with just sleep walking through the day. I have to be aware. Sometimes I know I have to stop and start my day over, when these emotions have begun running my life. I have to pray and ask for help. The Eleventh Step, following a quick inventory in the Tenth. And then changing my attitude to positive from the negative. To learn to smile and start my day over, regardless of the time of day.
I didn’t come here to drink ever again. I came here to stay sober and begin to grow along spiritual lines I have learned in here. I only have today and I need to be aware and willing to do what I need to accomplish this. Fortunately I don’t have to do this by myself. I know that I can get all the help I need by going to meetings on a regular basis, and talking and sharing with others and listening in both instances.
Anyway I’m grateful I had the opportunity to stop and think about all of this. It makes me grateful for all I have received in here. I owe so much thanks to my Higher Power, this program, and the people in it, who have supported and helped me through my time in here.