Watching an alcoholic, who had just taken a couple of drinks, in the meeting today, saying he was coming back, was tough. He lasted about half the meeting and then left. Several of us said the same thing, that he had that look that he was going back to get another drink. Most admitted that if it was them they would have done the same thing. When the alcoholic is drinking alcohol owns us, not the reverse.
I was definitely reminded of why I am here, just looking at him and knowing within myself what he was probably going through. I would have been surprised if he heard a word any of us were saying to him. Made me definitely grateful that I am sober today. Had to think of what a miracle that I have been given being here. I never want to forget what it was that made me surrender and come into this program.
I heard others talk about their having to deal with their alcoholism, their struggles in surrendering, and their difficulties in dealing with sobering up in here. Not easy for me, as I can recall. I mean I came here having totally surrendered to my being powerless over alcohol. No argument there. And with my Higher Power’s gift to me I got sober the next day and never drank again. I came here about five days after I stopped.
I knew when I came here I never wanted to drink ever again. But I struggled with myself over not wanting to do what this program asks of us. I just didn’t want to drink. Meanwhile I was convinced I knew what I was doing and didn’t need any help but just to hang around in here. Don’t ask me why I was thinking that, but I discovered through my sponsor and a lot of those old timers that it was my ego and my emotions which were doing my thinking for me. I really had no idea what I was doing. Just thought I did.
Fortunately for me I had done what I definitely needed to do to start to get sober. I had totally surrendered to my being powerless over alcohol. There was no question on my mind. I didn’t even know that I was an alcoholic. I knew nothing about alcoholism or this program. I am grateful that someone else did and got me here. It was a slow learning process for me. But I am grateful that others in here had the patience to put up with me.
That didn’t mean that they waited around until I settled down. I was definitely publicly and privately called out for my big mouth and my know it all attitude. And I know that looking back I am definitely grateful that I was. I needed to have my ego torn down. Looking back I can see how huge the alcoholic’s ego is. Mine anyway.
The reminder we all got today of how powerless the alcoholic is, when we’re under the influence is totally clear. Being able to witness it first hand I know is a great reminder for all of us. Not that I haven’t witnessed it before. Like others I have seen it many times. But it’s one of those things I know I need to be reminded of from time to time. A wake up call I know that is good for me. I could see myself in this person. Never want to forget that.
Anyway I am grateful I got the opportunity to go through this today. I know others told me the same thing. I talked to another alcoholic on the way home about this. And when I got home I knew I needed to sit down and think about this. I’m an alcoholic. A chronic alcoholic for sure. I know that no matter how long I have been away from a drink of alcohol I’m still powerless. I’m not cured. There is no cure for this disease. It will be with me until the end of my life. I know I have been given the opportunity to stay sober a day at a time.
What a great gift. I do realize that this is not my doing. All I could do was become willing to surrender. The rest is really not up to me. And my willingness is what I definitely need to continue to keep bringing each and everyday, if I want to stay sober. That means I really have to often go through surrender over and over again. To reach some kind of humility, even though I may not think that way. I do know that I can often get in my own way, but need to be ready to stop and change my mind and do what I am asked to do in here to stay sober.
Anyway I know I need to try to practice these spiritual principles I have been given in here. To go through these Twelve Steps and apply the principles of this program each and everyday. I’m so happy that I have a Higher Power and the help of so many in this fellowship. I need to exercise my gratitude by attempting to give to others like myself what was so freely given to me. That is definitely one way I can maintain the gift of sobriety in my life.