Today, after the news of yesterday, I was reminded once again of what so often happens to alcoholics like ourselves, when we go back to drinking alcohol again. Death.
That’s what I was facing, when I stopped drinking. I was going to kill myself. I was so deep in despair, because alcohol owned me. I could not stop drinking no matter what. I knew nothing about alcoholism, nor did I know there was a solution. I had never heard of AA.
But someone, who drank with me, ran into an alcoholic sober in the program, who told him about getting sober and the meetings. He told me there was a solution and he would take me to the meeting. That gave me hope and it changed my life. It saved my life. I prayed and surrendered to the First Step, even though I never knew about it, until I got into the program.
Yet, though I had been freed of alcohol, and never wanted to ever drink again, I got my first sponsor, who had ten years. And what did he do? He had a resentment and went back out drank alcohol and died. Around the same time another man with ten years, also had resentments, and went back out and drank alcohol again and died.
Over the years in here I have witnessed the same results. People going back out and drinking and dying. All kinds of awful ends to their lives. One young woman with over ten years, who took a drink and walked off of her balcony in her apartment. Thirteen stories. A friend of mine, with almost twenty years, who hung himself. He was thinking about drinking again. Over and over and over again, I have seen these terrible ends to the lives of people like ourselves.
Why am I stopping and staying with these terrible stories? Because I have been so fortunate to have gotten sober and changed my life and am still alive after all these years. I always think how difficult it was for me at the beginning. That’s because I failed to be honest. I was lying and was hardly aware that I was doing this. I had to be grateful for my second sponsor. He was the one, who opened me up.
He told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. And that opened me up. He was right. I often think of another friend of mine, who came in here, believing he was in control of everything. The result was that he lost everything. But he didn’t drink. Instead he began to let go of his ego and, like he often says, he got out of the driver’s seat and went to the back of the bus. Like him I had to do the same. We both changed and are still here.
Like so many others, we are very happy that we have been given this new way of life. Blessed. Have experienced serenity and peace of mind. A new way of life. Have been freed of guilt and most of these awful negative emotions. Plus we have all been given all the help we have needed to change and grow along spiritual lines. Been freed of a closed mind. Have been given an open mind.
And all I really have to do is to stay sober one day at a time. I don’t have to project into the future. I have been helped to learn to stay in the moment and be at peace. I have learned to listen to those old timers, who live this way of life for a long time. It really works. All I had to do was learn to open my mind and start to listen.
I have been freely given what I needed to begin to grow in peace and happiness. I learned to hope, to grow in faith, and even love. I learned to turn around and freely give to others what was given to me. It has helped to strengthen me and help make me to remain sober.
Life is a gift I have found out and I need to be grateful for what I have been given. I wish I could help others to stay alive and change and live in a peace and happiness we all have found in here.