Had a thought today about one of my continuous problems in here. When I was out there drinking I was continuously being dragged down into these awful emotional difficulties. By the time I got sober, I had just finished being caught up in deep despair. Thankfully an old friend of mine gave me hope and this led to praying and being freed of alcohol. A true miracle, if ever there was one.
And after I was in here a while, though I had no idea what I needed to be doing, because I had a sponsor I really never knew anything about. Except that he was not helping with this program. Later I found out that he was what they called a “two stepper”. And he was the man, who went out and got drunk, after ten years in this program. And then he died. He had a deep resentment that had a lot to do with this. And that woke me up.
And that’s when I got a new sponsor, and very mature member of this program. And he was the one who got me going in this program by introducing me to the Second Step. The spiritual life and a Higher Power. Never want to forget that. But he also taught me several things I so desperately needed to know.
One of these was already in the literature. And that was the fact that I was a human alcoholic. Not a saint and never would be. The result was that I could stay sober, but I would find myself stumbling from time to time, right up to the day I die. My defects. And those are my negative emotions. Just like that sponsor, who drank again and died. Resentments for one thing.
Bill W. talks about the effect these deep, hidden emotions, had on us alcoholics. How much damage they did to us. It’s in the Eighth Step in the 12&12, And one of the things I run into from time to time is in my time in here. I’m supposed to be staying sober a day at a time. That’s my commitment.
I begin each day praying and asking my Higher Power for help and hope to stay sober this day. And my sponsor was the one, who pointed out to me that I’m to stay in this day and not project into the future or the past. He said that once I begin to think about my plans on days ahead, or months, or even years, that I will begin to picture what will happen. And that can cause all kinds of negative thoughts. Then my mind will rush back into the past, where I ran into trouble, and here comes my negative emotions. Fear, worry, self pity, anger, resentments, and on and on.
I need to be aware that my mind will often wander off, no matter how well I might think I’m doing. And when that happens, it can run off into the future, then the past, then a deep emotional state. And the BB also tells me that there may come a time in the life of an alcoholic, when he will have no mental defense against taking a drink of alcohol. And I have to know that, because that happened to me one time in the past. Thank goodness someone told me to step outside and pray. I did and it went away.
And that was pretty much what my old sponsor told me. The minute I find myself drifting off, I need to stop and pray. I was told to stop my day and start it over again. Going from the negative attitudes and entering into a positive attitude. Relying on my Higher Power, and then others like myself around me. One of the reasons I need to definitely go to meetings.
Anyway I stopped and thought about this today. Have already heard someone getting caught up in drifting into negative emotions and needed to go there. Makes me grateful for all the help I have been given by old timers and others in here, and mainly the God of my understanding. Am grateful for the gifts I have received. Staying sober one day at a time. Nice.