Talking about the 4th Step today for some reason made me think about balance. Balance was something I never even had a nodding acqaintance with, when I came in. I was all over one way or another; up or down. Nothing in between.
This is where my sponsor came in. How much I needed him, when it came to balance. It was his direction and example that was so important to me. I needed balance desperately.
I was totally whacked out, when it came to this phase of my sobriety. I couldn’t seem to get out of the doldrums, or I was feet off the ground and gloriously nuts. Tom, my sponsor, had a way about him that would bring me down to earth or lift me up from the pits I often sank down into.
It was Tom, who told me to use my head instead of my feelings. There was also someone else, who gave me a warning about moods. Mood swings were perilous for an alcoholic like myself. I was told to begin to learn to sidestep moods. I was told that, if I was in a good mood that a bad mood would soon follow. That good moods would seduce me into the bad.
All the learning I was going to have to do was what sobriety was all about. Living in the extremes was dangerous and could lead me back to a drink. I was going to have to follow directions, so that I could walk this path in sobriety, without drifting to one side or another. Feet planted firmly on the ground.
That’s the foundation these 12 Steps were to give me. Along with the rationality that Tom was beginning to help me achieve, the spirituality of this program began to seep in. Slowly at first, but along the way it began to take root within in me. I started to depend and make judgements and decisions, not on how I felt, but what I thought. I was to learn how to think logically and weigh things in the balance. And there’s that word “balance”.
None of this happened overnight. It was to take me a long long time. I was going to have to fall flat on my face often. But eventually, bolstered by the spiritual awakening, and taking action, the right action, generally in doing service work, I began to settle down. That’s why the 2nd Step is so important to me. My dependence on my higher power, believing I could be restored to sanity was a big part of this process, although I wasn’t always aware of this.
Whatever calmness, serenity, and peace of mind I have today, I owe to this program. My sponsor and others, and my higher power. I’m sober as a result of their support and efforts. And, I know, it’s being aware and able to practice these spiritual principles in all of my affairs, using the Steps that is so necessary in maintaining my balance.
How important emotional sobriety is is something I never want to forget. The only obstacle in my way is me. My character defects, which are ever present. Like Bill said in the BB, the price of sobriety is eternal vigilance. To be aware of my faults and tendencies. And to be willing to ask for help, not just from God, but my fellow alcoholics.