What is it about so many alcoholics that they have to continue to beat themselves up time after time?
I know about anger at oneself. I had it for months after I came in. I was to learn from the BB and my sponsor that it was ego driven. Thinking of oneself as the worst is nothing but pride. It made me feel special I guess. I was on my own back for a long time. I really felt bad about myself.
And that leads me to Bill W’s. allusion to the coin with two faces. The one was pride and the other was self pity. Bill said they were actually the same thing. After a few inventories and talking with some of the old timers, I got a new view on what I was doing.
In fact one thing I was doing was being my own higher power. I was still playing God. No mercy or forgiveness for me. No sir. But continuous exposure to veterans of this program, the winners as my sponsor called them, I began to get a new view on life and began to let go.
One thing I had to look at was the good things in my life. Things I wouldn’t ordinarily look at within myself. Instead of always looking down, I was to begin to look up.
My reviewing this was caused by several men I had an opportunity to talk to this week. I was reminded that continuous self punishment was the same thing as arrogance. That self anger is just another form of self pity.
The answer to all of this can be found in applying the Steps to my life. Think sober. That’s what I’ve learned.