Growing up, I always had two of our major defects mixed up. Jealousy and Envy. In my thick adolescent head, I couldn’t see the difference. It took AA and my inventories to get them straight. Jealousy tells me what’s mine is mine and envy tells me what yours is mine also. Both can lead to some serious anger, rage, and certainly resentment. They can also lead to something more grave; the next drink.
Putting Jealousy aside, I was thinking about Envy this morning. Jealousy is pretty obvious. I know that I’ve had my share of it. It caused me all the trouble I could handle. But Envy might not be so obvious. It’s more subtle, but no less a problem.
The reason I say this is that it can often start out as a virtue. Say, for instance, admiration. I might admire a certain person for his leadership, or the fact that he has achieved a station in life that is attractive to me. But, after a while, this can and has turned into something else. AA has a saying, don’t compare your insides with someones outsides. The caution being is that such a comparison can lead to depression, guilt, a feeling of inadequacy. The desire to be where he is, but realizing I am not, creates a heavy burden within. I’ve certainly done my share of that in the past.
It’s that kind of subtle stuff, not outright thievery, that I was thinking of. The stuff that finally leads to the thought of “what’s the use?”. It can take time to arrive at that thought, but, like they say, alcohol is patient.
Alcoholism is a disease of the body, mind, spirit, and emotions. We’re never cured of it. It’s always waiting deep down within. We have a daily reprieve, but everyday I wake up, it’s still there. And, though I may think I’m growing along spiritual lines, there’s one element of this disease, which seems to take forever on which to get a handle. That’s the emotions.
What I was really thinking about this morning was just that; emotional maturity. Bill talks about this at length in the Language of the Heart. I focused on Envy, because it’s not all that obvious at times, yet, when our emotions can react in the way I described, we may not be aware that this part of our disease has taken over. And the answer for that, the “cure”, is in the application of spiritual principles to this problem. Awareness and humility.
Anyway, just thinking about this today. Like Bill says in the Tenth Step in the 12&12, can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance under all conditions, and live to good purpose? Can I? I’m certainly going to try and pray that I can.