People often ask how I’m feeling or doing. Often a good question, which often I don’t really have an answer. But they’re really not asking about my feelings. My “real” feelings are often out of reach and, unless I’m reacting to them, I can always smile and say “fine” or whatever.
What am I trying to say. Hmm. “Real feelings”, do I feel angry? Resentful? Sad? Anxious, worried, fearful? Those feelings, which, when they take over, do my thinking and actions for me. Reason is gone. Fear is controlling me. Anger is in charge. Resentment, etc. I’m now thinking irrationally. And maybe acting that way.
I’ve talked to myself about this over and over. Usually I refer to it as emotions. But “I feel sad” is the more used word. “Feel”. Am I going to feel like this the rest of my life? Not if I don’t want to. I have discovered this over my time living a sober life in this program. It began with my sponsor telling me to think with my head and not my heart. Then I began to try to practice that and read up on it.
If I’m angry, do I identify with that feeling? What’s really going on? It’s ME, that’s what. It’s not about someone else. For some reason I want to feel angry. And that brings me right back to where I really belong. The spiritual axiom from the Tenth Step. That whenever I’m disturbed there’s something wrong with me. And I’ve discovered that’s always true, no matter what the situation. It’s not about someone else. It’s about me and how I’m feeling.
I’ve read the BB and the 12&12 and a whole lot of other books and what I’m thinking about is growing up. Becoming and adult. Both in age and becoming mature emotionally. Bill W. writes about this, as do many other authors. Doctors, priests, ministers, and a host of others. Lately I’ve been reading Fr. Thomas Keating’s book Divine Therapy, about the Twelve Steps. In the Second Step he discusses this very thing. It’s part of the human condition. And a real problem for someone like me, an alcoholic. How often these feelings lead us right out that door and into the nearest barroom and often to our deaths.
What can be done about it? I know I have been doing what I was told a long time ago. Trying to stay aware of what’s going on. Not being complacent, but being conscious of what’s happening. Asking for help from my Higher Power and getting it. How do I know that? I’ve been attempting to sidestep my feelings for a long time and having hope and faith that the healing is there that I need. What has happened, is that as a result of working this program, I have changed and so have my feelings. They’re not as bad as they used to be. Not only that they don’t come up as often and I don’t have to remain with them as long anymore. I can give them up in a heartbeat.
All this is the result of attempting to live a spiritual life and being conscious of what it is that I need to do to stay sober. Far from perfect of course. Still a lot to learn. A lot I don’t know. A lot I forget in this crazy mind of mine. But little by little I think I’ve made some headway.
Anyway I’ve heard a lot of people lately talking about their feelings. All kinds. I know exactly what they’re saying and I have attempted, if they ask me, to share with them my experiences. Part of my primary purpose. To stay sober and practice these principles in all of my affairs. Wherever possible to help another alcoholic.
Just another day thinking about sobriety.