What is it about us that Pride heads the list of our character defects? Not something I think about too often, but something that’s always there nevertheless. A couple of friends of mine in the program, who have been around a long time, and I were talking about it today. Made me back up and think.
Actually I was reading about it last night, but, when it came up again today, I had to stop and consider what it means to me. What it meant to them.
Of course it has to do with my self centered thinking. It’s all about me. Like the Third Step prayer says, Relieve me of the bondage of self. As I told one of my friends that might last about five minutes and then I’m back into me in no time.
I was reading the words of Thomas Keating last night and how this self centered thinking, pride, often begins back in our childhood. Anything, which deprives us of our personal desires, or needs even, is the beginning. I guess we make it up in our heads and it becomes a reality, as we grow along. I can put it down to guilt, which became a big part of my growing up. At least that’s what it seems, as best as I can remember. In order to get over the guilt I would try to compensate by building myself up. And that became part of me. Along with the guilt of course.
Some place along the line that probably became part of my drinking. Most likely unconsciously I drank to cool the guilt. And then the “big shot” in me took over. And after each drunk, everyday, the guilt would multiply. So, by the time I got sober, I was so filled with guilt and remorse that it drove me to the Fourth Step about three months into the program. I had to get rid of it the best I could. Even then the guilt hung on until the Ninth Step, when I was restored to sanity. The spiritual awakening.
Has this stuff gone away? Hardly. Not as bad as it was back drinking, or even early on in the program. My human condition is still there. Not perfect and never will be. But things are better than ever before. With the help of my Higher Power, the program, and the people in the program, I have a better handle on my feelings and can often step away from how I feel. As long as I’m aware of what is going on.
As we talked today, we really had to laugh from time to time, when describing to one another how this all manifests itself in our daily living in sobriety. Probably one of the funniest to us, was when one of my friends was describing striving to do a loving action for someone, but being totally disturbed by it’s inconvenience, which it caused them. Again, it’s all about us.
At least today, as far as I know, pride and my self centered ego is not an immediate threat to my sobriety. As long as I’m trying to practice this program in my life on a daily basis, hopefully I won’t be tempted to take a drink of alcohol. I’m aware that it is necessary for me to keep my primary purpose as number one on the list of my day. To stay sober and be willing to help another alcoholic. To act each day out of gratitude for all I have been given. We’re still human, as I and my friends each agreed, but we’re willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. The keys are willingness and surrender and acceptance for me.