One of the things which seems always to amaze me is when someone shares and I find myself not only responding to them, but it’s because I identify with them. Makes me sometimes wonder after all this time in here why this is so. I think I just “accept” it because I do remember that I’m a human chronic alcoholic. Nothing all that “spiritual” about me. Just am.
I’m not done with this disease of alcoholism. I know that. I’m not cured nor will I ever be until the door shuts up on me. I will have it until the end of my life. So during all this time I will find myself often stumbling over what I hoped I had put out of my life. Not so. My faults are just below the surface and they keep popping up from time to time. Just the way it is…with all of us.
The one thing I am grateful for is that which was neutralized within me. My physical part of my disease of alcoholism. The restoration to sanity, the spiritual awakening. I know I have had that a couple of times at least. I certainly can remember when it happened before I walked through these doors. However back then I was still lost in my head and my heart. The unmanageable life I brought through these doors with me. My fears, my insanity, myself hiding down within the walls around the inside of me. My trying to control and run my own life. Yet, over time, when I became more open and willing to put this program into action, I was relieved of drinking alcohol and what it was that controlled my life. My bondage to alcohol.
However the reason I’m always going back and thinking about this, my sobriety, is because I do know that I can lose my sobriety along the way. I know way back, early on in this program, I was out one night with my wife and my in-laws at dinner. They all drank and it didn’t bother me. I never even thought about it. After dinner we went into the package store and the owner told my in-laws to go the beer locker and help themselves. They did and tossed a soda over to me. I caught it and suddenly without a warning I wanted to drink so badly that I felt I would kill anyone who got in my way. My wife picked up on this and asked me what was wrong. I told her and she suggested I step out the door and say a prayer and ask for help. I did and I’m so grateful. It was gone before I realized it.
I know the BB tells us that this might happen to anyone of us alcoholics. I never want to forget that. I need to remind myself what can happen to a chronic alcoholic like myself. I know it has happened to others with negative results. They drank again and it didn’t always turn out the way we might hope for. I know that I’d probably have been dead, if I hadn’t been rescued by my Higher Power.
So, each day I try to remember to stop and remind myself why I am here. I’m here to stay sober one day at a time. I know that I can’t do this by myself. I have seen what happens when others have gone off on their own thinking they could control their drinking. I’m so grateful that I didn’t have to back to drinking again. I know how much I owe to the God of my understanding for all that has been given to me. And all this just a day at a time. That’s why I’m taking this moment to step aside and think about all of this. It’s part of my gratitude for all that has been given to me. And that’s to remember all those in this fellowship, who have helped me through the years in here. Like I said I am grateful.