I was reminded of anger today. Things I had heard over and over again. Not the same person, but the same thing. It made me go back and look at where I am.
I can well recall one of the worst things in my sobriety came when I was fired from a top job without any warning. The chairman of the board walked into my office one afternoon and said that I had to pack up and leave. That was not only my last job, but it was a total surprise.
I was so angry that the anger kept growing one day after another. Yet it only lasted a week or less. One afternoon the phone rang at home and it was my younger brother. He called to tell me that he was dying and had only three months to live. He asked if I would come up to my old hometown and help him. I did. By the time I was free of anger, when I finally arrived up here.
I went back today and thought about that time back in the early 90s. I think it was one of those moments, when what my sponsor and those old timers were trying to teach me. To think with my head and not my heart. Not that I was totally aware of it at the time. But later I was able to go back and see what it was that changed me. That and a couple of other things.
One of those elements, which brought about change within me was that my mind had taken over. I knew that, if I was going to help my brother, and my mother, who also fatally ill at that time, was that I didn’t have any room within me. I needed to pay attention to what was going on. Plus I was going to have to open my heart. So I had to change my attitude and I did.
I often go back and have gratitude for what I learned from those old timers back then. And one of them was that I had to learn to change my attitude from negative to positive, or else my negative emotions were going to damage me and my relationships…and even my sobriety. So I had to begin to practice how to do this each and every morning.
One of our members up here is always a big help to me and others. When he talks at meetings, he frequently brings up the Serenity Prayer. When I think of that prayer it reminds me of the truth in life. I know, when I’m honest with myself, that there is very little I have ever changed, except one thing. I can’t change others. They have their own thoughts. The only thing I know I can possibly change is me. With the help of my Higher Power and people in this program.
Anyway, when it comes to anger I have to stop and think of why I am here. I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. I know I’m not a saint, as the BB points out to me. I’m just another alcoholic, who is human and subject to tripping up from time to time. It will always be that way. I’m not cured of my alcoholism. I just have the freedom and relief one day after another. It will not stop until the end, when I will be cured, if I stay sober. And that’s what I want more than anything. Makes me grateful.