This morning I went through a test for balance. I had to wear goggles, which had tiny TV cameras watching my eyes and their movement as I watched lights going back and forth and up and down. Then a cover was put over the goggles and all was black, but I had to keep my eyes open all the time. Water was flushed into each ear. First cool and then warm. After each irrigation, I had to count numbers and then name names. And after all that, I was told to sit and wait before I left, in the event of dizziness. I waited about five minutes and left. As I walked toward the parking lot, I had this feeling of leaning left. Weird.
It made me think. Tom always talked to me about balance. Having to achieve balance in my life, he told me, was very important to my sobriety. I don’t always think about this, but the test today brought that thought back to mind. I remember the diagrams someone made to show how we needed to balance the spiritual with all the other parts of our lives. Balancing the physical with family, activities, etc. I remember how I struggled to fit all this into my daily life and not making much progress.
Finally, I went back to what Tom had told me about comfort. He said that when I was comfortable with myself I would not want to drink again. So, this became my goal. To achieve a level of comfortability within myself. I stopped trying to live up to the diagrams other showed me and check within myself for how I felt about living this new way of life. I found that my level of comfort went up accordingly as I progressed through the steps. It increased as I remained aware of the need to practice these principles I had learned on a daily basis. The promise that we would know a new happiness and freedom became real. The idea that we would come to know the meaning of peace and serenity in our lives was a reward that I came to treasure. When I came to realize that this was not only possible, but a reality, I finally felt that I was achieving some sort of balance in my life, which could not be determined by any sort of demands made by any kind of diagram. If I had followed them, I would probably have lost my balance.
It makes me realize that along with the slogan A Day at a Time the one that says Easy Does It is so important. This program is not meant to be a strain on the system. I laughingly say how many metaphysical hernias I suffered from by trying to hard. There is much which I need to just leave in God’s hands. Just doing the steps the first time took enough energy. Without letting go of awareness and vigilance, this is a really easy way of life. It is comfortable. If I can stay away from worry and trust that I am being directed by a benevolent and loving God, I believe I can stay sober. Just a day at a time.
How important another day of sobriety is. It makes me grateful.
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