After a call from an old friend of mine, I had to stop and think. We were talking about patience and endurance. Acceptance. None of which comes to someone like me overnight. After I came in, it took a long time to learn any of these virtues. But one thing was for certain, if I was going to stay sober, I would have acquire them. I was going to have to change.
I occurred to me that change has taken place in my life. All due to the spiritual awakening through the steps. But, it is still going on. I have so much to learn. I’m still changing. And that’s it, isn’t it? It’s a process. It’s not just change, but changing. It’s always going on. Or should be, if I want to continue this sober life.
The BB tells me that this is not an overnight process. The roadblocks to any progress, any change, has been my selfishness and self centeredness. It may not be that apparent to me, but, when I step back and examine what delays me in changing, it’s exactly that. Things I seem to not want to give up. The old ideas. They’re scattered all over my brain.
I still have to go back to the time I was challenged by my sponsor and others. In answer to the question why I acted and thought the way I did, I had replied that it was just the way I was. The response was just as hard to take. “Are you going to stay that way?” That was my first introduction to the idea that change was possible. I never knew that. Thank God for the program. It was a new idea for me and it began to replace some of the old.
Sobriety is not a horse race. It doesn’t require speed. There’s no where to go quickly. I’ve seen others, who have come in and rushed through the steps in the first glow of fervor, only to see the rush of heat cool off and those in a hurry, hurry right back out the door. For myself, I stumbled, argued, fumbled, and imperfectly applied these steps. I grumbled, bumbled, and sometimes still do. That doesn’t make me any better than anyone else. I can only measure my progress by looking back to where I once was and then at where my feet are today.
If anything, I’ve learned that it’s not so much how I feel about things. I know that very well. But it’s really up to what I think and then what will I do? Sometimes it means to be patient. Sometimes I have to wait. Sometimes I have to accept things as they are. Sometimes I have to plod along. There are times when changing seems to take so much time. The important thing is for me not to let the feelings of discouragement to stop me. I know that I don’t always have to like what’s going on. I just have to stay sober a day at a time.
Anyway, just thinking.