This morning I came down and was confronted by my sister. She told me that my niece and her live in boy friend had come to her and said that I was not speaking to them and hadn’t been for a long time. I mumbled something to the effect that yes I had been.
The truth was that no I hadn’t been speaking. I had spoken to my niece, but I was doing everything possible to avoid the bf. I would say hi, or cut him short shrift, when he spoke to me. Frankly I have been embarassed by his presence here. I had been judge, jury, and executioner to him and I suppose to her. When I spoke to Kathy P. this morning, she also added to the list; silent scorn.
Actually, part of what was wrong was that I could see myself in him. I had been in his place any number of times in the past. Yuck! Not a pretty picture.
I had been instruct! ed by Kathy to pray and that God would answer my prayers. I did. Went to a meeting and heard the same thing there. Except that one woman was trying to deal with her errant son, and another young woman the thought of not drinking. Both women wanted to drink.
As I sat there and listened to responses, the first thing that came to mind was the second step. The insanity returning. The next thought was first calm the disturbance. Tenth step. The next was Fred’s story, where he said that quite as important was that all my problems could be solved by the application of spiritual principles.
This was followed by without help it’s too much for us. And then the solution. We’ve stopped fighting everyone and everything, including alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned.
All this was was problems, which could take us back to drinking. What ! came to me was how fortunate I was to have people in my life, who were willing to tell me the truth. Not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. The question is always will I listen? The answer was yes. After 34 years I’m still desperate never to pick up a drink again. I know that the answer is always the same, the maintenance of a spiritual program on a daily basis.
The solution is always to be seeking a spiritual awakening. We’re told this is the only thing that can conquer this disease. My own experience testifies to that. I can never afford to forget that. Like I said, thank God for others.
I can always remember Carol’s experience at National Airport. Her walking by the open bar and being seized by a sudden craving. Her fears and her desperate prayers and the thought of calling someone. She fought her way to the public phone and ca! lled, but by the time someone answered, the craving had vanished. Praying and calling. I remember Jack N. on the airplane. When the stewardess asked him if he wanted a drink, he answered yes. He was drunk by the time he landed in LA. When he returned to Wash. he told his sponsor what happened. His sponsor asked him why he didn’t ask for help. Jack said there was no one on the plane to talk to. His sponsor rolled his eyes upward and said, oh, yes there was. Jack told me he hadn’t even thought of that.
There may come a time in the life of an alcoholic, when he will have no defense against that first drink. Only our higher power will be able to help us. My memory of the one and only time that I had a similar experience was that I didn’t think of asking for help. Fortunately my wife was standing next to me and she told me to step outside and pray. I did. The thought and the crav! ing went away. I didn’t have a clue.
Like the BB says, we’re neither cocky or afraid. The thought has just left us and we’re placed in a position of neutrality. But the enemy, alcohol, is still there. Our alcoholism has been arrested. I need to hear that again and again. For as long as I live, someplace deep inside of me there is still that seed, which was planted there years ago, which will always want me to drink. I just don’t know it. But I can’t forger it.
Just thinking. Ned
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