Today is the day that we celebrate anniversaries for January “babies”. This is the day I pick up my chip. It’s also a day of reflection. I should say, a week or more of reflections. I used to spend more time on this, but facts are facts. I’m still sober. The question is, how did I manage to do it, when I probably should have stumbled and fell a long time ago? We all know the answer to that. It was done for me. Not me in particular. We is more like it.
An awful lot has happened in over three decades. Looking back I have double vision. One is that I could say that it seems like only yesterday. On the other hand it seems like a long time ago that I entered the doors of the program. A lot has happened, which I cannot ignore. A lot of events, a lot of people, a lot of “mistakes”, a lot of false steps, a lot of starts, a lot of stops…only ! to start again.
Through it all I can ascribe only one thing that seemed to be the main theme. Hope. That’s what I came in on and that seems to be the one thing that has been present. There were moments in time, when even this faded and seem to vanish. But somehow it always came back. Maybe it was always there, but I couldn’t see it.
Faith is always talked about, but I’m never sure of its consistency in my life. I work for it, but I know that faith is built on the foundation of hope. Faith is the substance of things to be hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. That was St. Paul. I have held this thought for all these years.
The “evidence of things not seen” is clear. Everyday there are people, who come to this program and get sober. That’s clear. Even the one’s who don’t put the evidence into! sharp contrast. People are achieving sobriety in spite of themselves. I see that clearly and it reinforces the faith in this program and eventually my higher power. Paul, also, said I can do all things through him who gives me strength. The vision of those getting sober strengthens me.
All this is being done in a day. That’s all I’ve ever had. Today. Sometimes it’s hard to realize, because I have this infernal thing inside of me that wants to wander off track, back and forward. It sometimes takes effort to pull myself back into the moment. And, I don’t always depend on me doing that. Others do it for me.
My gratitude is to God and the people. The others. Those who went before. Those who have walked with me and guided me through all the rough spots. Those who have picked me up and dusted me off and kept pushing me to make one more day. God working through these. God speaking through these people.
I have particular people, who have grown to be friends and stood by me in spite of my stumbling and bumbling. I have gratitude to my old sponsor, who gave me an example of what I should be and what I should do, and how I should do it.
Even my first sponsor, who drank again and died as a result. He was the one who taught me that if I could win the argument with me, I could stay sober. I’ve never forgot that lesson. But it was Tom, who was the rock. He held me up until I could walk on my own. Not my own, but with others.
Anyway, just some thoughts for today. Ned
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