I was reminded yesterday of something I had done, when I was drinking, which caused a few laughs. I once put on a suit, shirt, and tie to mow the lawn. Why? Because I wanted others to think well of me.
That reminded me of a host of examples. Not being able to eat out. I could drink in a restaurant, but I found it hard to raise a fork to my lips. I couldn’t go to a coffee counter and raise a cup to my mouth. I was always worried about others looking at me. When I did come into the program, this worry of what others might think pursued me through the doors.
That stuff is gone now. Has been for years, but when I’m off the beam, it will occasionally come back. What will others think?
Of course that’s not a classic description of paranoia, but it is of an extremely self centered person. What made me think I was so important? Me. It was all in my head. Alcohol, combined with my own sense of importance, ratcheted up this ridiculous streak in me to the nth degree. But, when I arrived in the program, my balloon was always being punctured. I was to learn a little humility, as taught to me by my sponsor and a lot of others in this fellowship.
Today I treasure all those instances, when I was caught up short by others. At first it was learning the truth about myself through humiliation. That’s what Bill talked about in the 7th step in the 12&12. We begin to learn humility through humiliation until we can see its value for itself. And then we begin to seek it as a healing for the pain our defects cause us. That kind of healing has helped to release the tensions I had, which could very well led to picking up another drink.
By the grace of God and those I have met along the way, I have learned to laugh at myself. What a relief. I can now let down my hair…or, I would if I had any left to let down.