I just sat down, after watching a murder mystery. I thought a pause, after our talk, would bring some wisdom into my empty head. Guess what? It didn’t.
I was trying to think of what Tom Lipsett would have said to me in the same position. I know he had the wisdom, which could help in almost all situations. I think of him often. His words often come back to me in so many times of need.
Your position, with so much going on, is not easy. You know what’s going on in your life, with what went on in Italy and now with your present position. It’s an inner conflict, not apparent to anyone but you. I’ve been through this kind of thing before and it was always a wrestling match inside.
I remember once Tom had to take a gift to a man in Md. out in the county and he asked me to go along. As we rode together, Tom told me a little about the man. He said the man had 8 years sober, but didn’t go to meetings. When we got there, I sat in the car as Tom got out and met the man, who had come out to greet him. They stood in the headlights of the car and I watched the man carefully. I had already made up my mind, after hearing what Tom said on the way there.
When Tom got back in the car and we were leaving, I told him what I had been thinking. I told him that I thought the man was a dry drunk. He pulled the car over to the shoulder and stopped, looked at me and stuck his big finger in my face. He said to me that I was wrong. “Look,” he said, “there’s no right way or wrong way to stay sober. Sober is sober. AA is not for everyone and that man is sober.” That took my breath away. I never forgot that.
He then talked about his own sobriety. He said that he was sober through God’s grace and AA. He told me that AA was necessary for him and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Without AA he told me he doubted he would be sober. He made me think, because I was the same. He introduced some tolerance and understanding in my life, which I never had before.
I thought about that, after we talked. The man I saw was just another drunk like me, like Tom. He had just chosen another path to get sober. Like Tom said, he would never have chosen that path, but it was working for that man.
Your friend at work may be just like that man. But it’s a perilous way to go for me. Without AA, we have no one to remind us that we’re alcoholics. We get that reminder every time we go to a meeting or talk to another member of this program. I know that every time I attend a meeting I get reminded of something I forgot to put in my life that day. Always I hear something I need to hear.
You and I have the advantage of what we talked about tonight. For example, you talked about an inventory, amends, God, prayer and meditation. Who has the loner to remind him of that? Besides, your “boss” knew you in the program and he knows you probably still attend meetings. That probably makes him as uncomfortable as you are. He because he’s not going to AA and you because you know he isn’t. That might be a big cause for him to resent where you are in your life. Whatever made him leave must be painful to him. He must have envy of you, because you are in a more secure position than he is.
This is all conjecture. But I was thinking that your example of how this program works is your best defense against what bothers you. Just be yourself.
I was thinking of what you said about your twentieth anniversary and that he was there. I remember that night, because you said that when you had five years you said you asked when things would get better and someone told you that it would take until ten years. Then when ten years had passed things were the same and you asked when they would get better and someone told you it would take until fifteen years. You told me that it was now twenty years and that I would probably tell you it would take to twenty five years. I have to laugh when I think about all of that. After all Tom told me it was only the first hundred years that were the hardest. He always said that.
My guess is that when you said you had relationship problems, I thought, only if you think that. If we do think we have relationship problems it’s because we are taking on the other person’s problems. I remember Kathleen Sullivan telling me that I had to know and understand when it was another’s problem and not mine. For instance, when I would suddenly feel angry, did I know if it was my anger or someone else’s. It takes a little practice to learn that, but most of the time I can pick that up now.
Your boss obviously has problems. They’re his not yours. He has to deal with his and you with yours. Let him. And you take care of yours the best you can. The rest we leave to God. If you can do that things will change one way or another. Tom told me that things might not get better, but I would, if I worked this program.
That’s probably more than enough words and very little wisdom, except for what I was told.
Peace, Ned