One of the words from the BB, which is familiar to most of us, is the word “trudge”. “…you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.” For years I have been familiar with that phrase and that word. I’ve used it often. But wait a minute; did I know the meaning of that word? Well, I guessed I did. I assumed I did.
Then someone said they had looked it up and it didn’t mean what I thought it did. Finally, today, after many years, I looked it up and it meant what I thought it did. But that’s not the point.
Then what is the point? It’s just this; I can assume all I want, but it doesn’t mean I know. If I am honest with myself, I will admit that I have much to learn. But my false pride and my ego are still in play. Deep down I don’t want to admit that truth to myself, that I still have much to learn. The bottom line is that I lack that one essential so necessary in the spiritual life and sobriety: humility.
Bill stresses this in the 7th Step in the 12&12. Our admission that we are powerless over alcohol was just the beginning step on the road to the necessary humility we need, in order to stay sober. There is so much more that I need. But my problem is that it’s something I don’t often think about, until my back is against the wall and I’m forced to concede that I can’t do it myself. Until I give up and surrender and admit that I don’t know that I don’t know and that I only think I know. That’s really what I have to learn. Not so much knowledge, but that I need to learn how to be humble.
Ego deflation in depth. I have to learn that AA doesn’t need me, but that I need AA. How insignificant I am in the scheme of things. Just how powerless I truly am. I came here helpless and hopeless. I desperately needed to stop drinking and I couldn’t on my own unaided power. I needed a power greater than myself. I needed the help of others. I needed this program.
And what’s changed over the years? I still need a power greater than myself. I still need the help of others. I still need this program.
As an alcoholic, which I truly am, I’m told that I need two disciplinarians; great love and great pain. I am told that pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. Not some, all. But so is great love.
Each new day offers me the doorway to walk through to walk through into the realm of a new happiness and a new freedom and all the rest this program promises me. Each day I have the opportunity to once again be freed from the bondage of self and alcohol. Each day I have a chance to learn anew the lessons I need to do this.
I was thinking about this today.