We were talking about progress not perfection today. A lot of thoughts came up. How some were stunned, when they found out they weren’t perfect, as they thought. Others talked about how one of the problems was the one I found I have stumbled over again and again. What was that? My insufferable intellect.
Not for nothing did my sponsor tell me that I was educated beyond my intelligence. Ugh! And I am more convinced today than I was back then that he was absolutely right. I find myself thinking sometimes too much about too much. I find myself going back and investigating things, which aren’t really helpful. Questioning too many things. Not keeping it simple, which I know I should.
One of the things I need to leave alone in progress not perfection is my concept of myself in terms of spirituality. I am always condemning myself for my imperfections in prayer and meditation. In real terms I drive myself crazy. I’ve been told to stop doing this, but I find the minute I start a prayer or meditation I end up questioning myself for my distractions. Thoughts interfering with what I’m trying to do. Start off thinking I’ll do better and find that I’m no better than I was the last time and the last time before that and so on.
Learning to respect what I have learned from the BB, the 12&12, my sponsor, and other alcoholics like myself, that the best I will ever be is human. If I stop and think about this, what I’m doing here is not trying for perfection but staying sober. Am I? The answer is yes.
And that was the second topic today. Gratitude. Playing the self critic eats away at gratitude. I need to take a look at what I’m doing in reality. I am grateful, when I stop and look at what has happened in my life. The very fact I have a life today. I should have been dead years ago. Alcohol almost took my life away. Sobriety and this program came just in time and saved my life. I know today that was all made possible, not by my mind. Not my intellect or intelligence. It was my Higher Power and the people in this program. The program itself.
As my sponsor told me that I was not responsible for my getting sober. Then he pointed out what I was responsible for; my staying sober.
It was also pointed out that the only thing I am able to have worked to perfection was that First Step. That’s one thing I’m sure of. I surrendered that first night absolutely, when I begged God, as I understand Him, to stop me from drinking and living the life I had been living, and promised Him that, if He did that, I would do anything He wanted me to do. And that “anything” I found to be this program. And here I am and grateful for all I have been given.