Lately I have been in contact with a fairly large number of those who are dealing with what I once had to deal with myself. And that’s anger. And of course the consequences within us. I know exactly what they’re feeling and doing. I also know that we all need to learn how to get rid of these emotions, which own us.
I know now that when I came in I was dragging my junk with me. The dark “God Hole” within me, which I had to learn how to deal with it. That was that it could not be filled from outside of me. I had to learn how to allow it to fill up within me. And that began in the Second Step. The inner emptiness began to fade and my Higher Power came into my life.
I know once again how there is another form of emptiness within. That’s the learning to grow along positive lines. To have a positive attitude rather than a negative attitude. The only problem with that are my faults. My defects, which are ruled by my negative emotions, which have been ruling my thinking over the years. Now I needed to learn how to stop letting my emotions control my thoughts and my feelings. And that’s where I needed to follow what my sponsor and those old timers had told me to do. To place my mind over my heart. Not to let my feelings, my emotions, do my thinking for me.
Why is all of this so important. It’s about sobriety. It’s about not drinking alcohol and living a sober life. Learning to practice this program through the Twelve Steps and the experience of all those old timers. Learning to put the spiritual life into action. Learning to depend on my Higher Power for the strength I lack. To realize what it is I need in order to stay sober a day at a time. And what I need is to rid myself as much as I can of those defects I dragged in here with me. Coming to realize that they are so often controlled by my negative emotions.
I know that I have been blessed to be able to listen to and talk to others, who are going through the same things I did. And no matter what, there is no shortcut through these faults.
I had to learn how to slowly deal with these things one day at a time. To learn how to slowly free myself of the control these had over me and to replace them with spiritually positive thinking and actions. To turn from anger, hate, resentments to the positive elements I need in my life. Compassion, love, caring, peace and happiness, generosity in taking the time needed to listen and help others like myself. To come to realize what the BB told us that the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.
As I learned in here, there is no cure for what is wrong with me. My chronic alcoholism will be with me until the end of my life. So I need to know that I will always have to be open to learn what it is I need. I will never be finished. If I begin to believe that I am I know I will be headed toward trouble. The very fact that I find myself stumbling over my faults tells me that I still have a long way to go, no matter how long I have been in this program. I’m not any better than others in here. Just been around longer in some cases. But the fact is like the book and my sponsors pointed out to me, I’m still human. I’m not a saint and whatever spirituality I might have is still in the beginning each and everyday.
Anyway after listening to what I have heard, myself really, I need to stop and remind myself why I am here. Like I said, to stay sober and to not drink alcohol a day at a time. The very fact that I’m still here tells me that this program really works, if I will apply myself to it. I’m so grateful I have found a Higher Power I can depend upon. The same is true of what I have learned from so many in this program, who have been so generous in their help they have given to me. And I cannot forget all these gifts I have received within me. Peace and happiness, serenity, a new freedom, restoration to sanity, a spiritual awakening. Love and friendship. And of course acceptance of where I am at this time.