Once again I awakened to a new day. A day for me which I know I need to remember to set my need to stay sober up front once again. I know that when I asked for help to stop drinking I got it. And I have to remember to dedicate myself to my Higher Power to help me to stay sober. I know I don’t want to drink ever again, but doing it by myself isn’t going to work.
The reason I started to think about this today was because of what we talked about in our meeting. Surrender. I never want to forget that it’s what I had to do to stop drinking. I had to surrender in that First Step. And pain is what got me to do that. I mean I was so much into despair that I wanted to kill myself. Fortunately for me I was given the answer I needed. I was told about people who had stopped drinking and held meetings. I knew nothing about AA at the time, but five days after I surrendered and stopped drinking I attended my first meeting and was restored to hope and a place where others like myself didn’t drink.
I was to learn later on that when we surrender we win. Amazing. Imagine giving up only to be given what I wanted so desperately. I was given the beginning of my sobriety. I had alcohol removed from my life. Exactly what I wanted. In fact I wasn’t going to do what the rest of the alcoholics were doing in here. That was working this program. I thought I knew what to do. Of course my sponsor stopped me. He told me that I really didn’t know and I was going to have to surrender once again. And I know I was in pain once again.
I wasn’t going anywhere, but backwards. So, I was presented with the Second Step. A spiritual life. I had to surrender once again and accept that way of life. It meant for me to come to believe in a Higher Power. To learn to depend on it for the help I needed in staying sober and changing from what I was into something far different. From alcoholic insanity to sober sanity. And I did and once again I won. I was given this new way of life and freedom from drinking alcohol.
Over and over again, because of my defects, which often controlled my thinking, I was forced to surrender. That was because I would find myself stumbling and not wanting to move ahead to the next Step. I would tell myself I didn’t have to do it. And then I would find I was once again in pain and needed to do what it was to help me to continue to change and grow along spiritual lines. And always I was the winner in spite of myself. I stayed sober.
I just had to look back at my experiences in here tonight. A reminder to me of how my sponsor and others helped me to keep on going in the right direction and not my way. Had I followed my way I probably would have ended up drinking again and would have died. Instead all these old timers, the men and women in this fellowship, reached out and supported me and kept me on track. And all this was the result of my Higher Power giving me the strength and support I so desperately needed. Talk about being a winner. And all I had to do was give up and do it the right way.
So, as I begin to close out this day I wanted to stop and think about this. It helped me to experience peace of mind and a reasonable feeling of happiness. My thoughts are focused on what I need to think about. My Higher Power and how I was restored to sanity. Placed in a position of neutrality as far as alcohol is concerned. The physical side of my disease. And there it is, why I think about surrender. I’m left with my thinking, which leads me all over the place. I’m still human and will find myself tripping up from time to time. And once again having to stop and surrender. My self will causes me to stumble.
And then I’m given hope and turn to my Higher Power, surrender in that Spiritual Axiom in the Tenth Step. Find myself wrong and have to change and accept the gift I am given once again. To persevere, to hope, to come to believe, and develop compassion for others and begin to give love to others by giving away what was so freely given to me. The result is what I know I seek each and everyday. To stay sober and never ever drink alcohol again. I am so grateful to the God of my understanding and this program and the people in it, who help me. All I can do is say thanks and continue to do what I’ve learned in here.