Today we were talking about my favorite subject in sobriety. The Second Step. It’s the one which changed my life. But it’s not all I or others thought today. It was about how this all worked in our lives.
One thing I came to realize after I came into the program was mentioned by someone else today. After I got here I realized, especially when I heard others talking about a spiritual life, that there was something wrong inside of me. I found I had a black hole in the center within. Over the years, I discovered looking back, that I had been trying to fill that hole up from without. I had tried pouring things like a new car, and other material “prizes” to fill that hole up. Nothing worked. And then I came into these rooms and was prodded to read the chapter in the BB “We Agnostics”.
It was there that I discovered that if I didn’t lead a spiritual life I was going to drink again and die. I had already been on the edge of death, when I came in, since I was ready to commit suicide because I couldn’t stop drinking alcohol. And that’s when I was handed a bit of light within me. Someone gave me hope. He told me that there was a place where men and women met and stayed sober together and if I wanted to go there he would take me. That turned a bright light within me and I realized how dark it was within. Looking back I remembered that it was that bright light and the hope which caused me to pray to God and ask to be helped to stop drinking.
The result of that prayer was a miracle for me. It worked. The next day I woke up and the alcohol was gone and it has never come back. A week later I went to my first meeting and that gave me more hope. I realized I never wanted to ever drink again. I learned later I had surrendered. A total surrender. But later, after I became willing to stop thinking I knew what I was doing, that I knew the answers, and was willing to begin learning what I didn’t know, it was then I discovered another step I had to once again surrender and accept. And that was the Second Step. I was going to have to find a Power greater than myself and come to believe in it. My Higher Power. And I did.
And that was the beginning of filling up that dark hole within me. It was the time when I began to realize that it was the absence of a God of my understanding that was what that hole was. This Step was the answer for this alcoholic. Over time the darkness began to fade, as my Higher Power began to do what I could never do for myself. Slowly I started to foster hope within myself. And my Higher Power began to help answer these hopes and faith started to be a reality for the first time in years. I came to believe that this program would work for this chronic alcoholic. That through the help of my Higher Power I would be able to live a sober life and never have to drink alcohol again. And that is what has been happening.
I listened to everyone in here today and once again experienced more hope. It was another revelation to me of how many times I had to learn how to surrender over and over again. That the immature rebel within had to stop and begin to once again change. I definitely needed to grow up and live a sober life. I realized how blessed I was to have been given the help I’ve definitely needed from others like myself, who had learned what I needed to learn. How they have helped me through all this time in here and continue to do so a day at a time.
Anyway I knew I had to stop and think about all of this tonight. Makes me grateful and to continue to want what has been given to me. I was once again reminded of how human I am and will find myself often stumbling through my faults and need to once again seek the help I need to continue to do everything I can to remain sober. I know I’m not cured of this disease and will have to continue to learn over and over again until the end of my life. I do feel blessed to have been given this way of life. I am grateful and need to say “thanks”.