I saw a card today, which reminded me of me. It was a birthday card, with words from the old poet Ogden Nash. It said that You only have one time to be young, but you can be immature indefinitely.
The reason this caught my attention is that I came in this program in my middle years. Yet there I was, exactly where Nash said I was. I was totally immature. Even today I still can see that in myself, although I have doubled in age. Not young anymore.
Every time I look at a “new” alcoholic I see the same thing, regardless of age. I see myself. I hear myself all over again. Yet I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given. Especially the gift of being able to be light of heart. To be able to laugh at myself.
I take what I’m doing in here seriously. My staying sober a day at time. I can’t help but go back and see how seriously I was being held a prisoner by alcohol. No matter how I tried I could not stop drinking. It owned me. I ended up depressed and filled with despair. And that’s when total immaturity came in. I decided to kill myself. No laughing matter then.
Thank my Higher Power, because a mature individual stopped me and asked me if I wanted help. And that help came through another individual, who had some of the problems I did. The day before an old timer caught him drinking. He told him that there was a place where men and women met and stayed sober together. My friend told me he would take me there.
That filled me with hope and I seriously prayed for the first time in a long time. I surrendered totally, without any knowledge of the program and the First Step. That was to come later. But alcohol was removed and has never really reappeared. Totally grateful for the spiritual awakening I was given.
I never ever want to drink alcohol again. Through this program and the Steps and the experiences of others I have begun to change. I say “begun”, because no matter how long I stay sober, I’m never cured, and I’m still a weak human being. Fortunately I have been introduced to a spiritual way of life, beginning with the Second Step.
But, like I said, not all that strong. I’m still human, as the BB points out. Not a saint by any means. I can still get caught up in my immaturity. My faults, my defects, my weaknesses.
Fortunately through all of this, I have been gifted with my Higher Power. The gift, which opened the door to this program and all those within it, who are willing to help support someone like me. I know I cannot do this program alone. But, even though I can still find myself stumbling and bumbling in here, I have been freely given the messages of how this program works. I can also, I learned, freely give this program to others like myself.
Anyway, I was thinking about this today and know that I need to stop and take time out to renew my purpose within me. Like I said, I am here to stay sober a day at a time. And I am grateful and need to thank my Higher Power, this program, and all those within it, who have helped me along the way.