Today a young man brought up the First Step as a topic. And that’s when I began to have internal difficulties from the general response of those who talked about that. I know the reason I have reactions like this is because of what that First Step meant to me. It’s right there in the 12&12 in the First Step. Pain.
There’s nothing light or humorous about this. In fact it’s right there in the Fifth Tradition. The primary purpose of the group is to carry the AA message to the alcoholic who is suffering. The First Step in the 12&12 talks about that very thing. Who is going to totally surrender unless they’re experiencing pain and suffering. Who is going to be willing to do what is needed in here to recover from their alcoholism unless they’re truly hurting, and will listen as only the dying can.
I know from my own experience that I was suffering from such despair within that I could not go on. I made up my mind to commit suicide. And someone rescued me. A friend who had heard about the program the day before and told me about it. He said that there was a place where men and women met and stayed sober and he would take me there, if I wanted to go.
I knew nothing about alcoholism and certainly knew nothing about this program. All I knew was that no matter how hard I tried I could not stop drinking. It was killing me. And that hope I was given caused me to finally say a prayer. I totally gave up and turned my alcohol over to God as I understood him. I asked him to take it and if he did I would do anything he wanted me to do. And the next day, when I woke up, alcohol was gone and it has never really returned.
All those, whom I have met in here, who really hurt as a result of their drinking, some, who like me wanted to kill themselves, all got sober and have never drank again. I also have met some in here, who have had, what I would call a “light case” of alcoholism, and seen what has happened to some of them. Most have gone back out and come back several times over. Some have never come back.
I know of some, who are no longer here.
We used to have an old timer, who would always talk about being powerless over alcohol. I have heard some of those, who would finally listen to him and suddenly realize just how powerless they were over alcohol and had never done that before. I’m grateful that he would never give up and kept talking that way. He probably saved a lot of men and women, who had failed to realize what this First Step was all about.
Anyway, when it comes to the First Step, I never go there lightly. It is so important that someone like me to be able to survive this disease, because pain within caused me to surrender totally to my being an alcoholic. And I never even knew that until I came into this program and was given a BB and read the Doctor’s Opinion and found out what was wrong with me. Amazing.
I was once again reminded at the meeting today just why I am here. I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. My sponsor and those old timers always reminded me and told me that I was to remember this each and everyday. I am an alcoholic, who has been blessed with a spiritual awakening and a restoration to sanity. Placed in a position of neutrality physically.
And I know that second part of that Step is still a struggle, because I am human, not a saint. Mentally and emotionally I am subject to often forgetting and drifting off and then stumbling over my old defects and fault within me. Thank the program and my Higher Power for providing me with others like myself, who understand what I need and are willing to help me. I am so grateful.